What I'm always doing sometimes

The End?

2010-01-01T00:00:00.002-05:00

For as long as I remember, I've been aware of the Mystery. It lingers beneath everything, never quite visible, but always there, teasing me with it's potential appearance, longing for words to describe it when none can. I can feel it sometimes, at night when everything else is asleep and my head starts emptying out all the things that ran in there during the day.

So far, I've only managed to capture it in small pieces: when I play drums without missing a beat; or when I toss a laughing Logan over my head, through the air and onto the bed; when I walk outside on a cool night, hearing only the wind, to see the moon shining through wispy clouds on the ground below; when I sneak up on Cody in his crib and catch him unaware that I can hear him telling stories; or when I roll down the windows in the car with the heat on in early spring just because it's still light outside on my way home from work; when Parker anticipates the tickles before I give them to him and he just laughs and laughs and I don't even have to touch him; and especially when, late at night and full of noise, I lumber from the cold downstairs up to my bedroom, and I see her sleeping there, full of dreams, with a little smile on her face. It makes me smile.

I'm going to take some time off from updating this blog to look for it some more (not that I've been diligently updating the past few years anyway). Maybe one day, when I'm old and lying in bed, watching as God opens one last door for me, I'll find that it can't be found--it's just there. By then, I probably won't care much anymore; so I'll look for it now.

Facebutt

2009-12-02T22:00:00.003-05:00

I would consider joining facebook if it were more like this here.

Not right

2009-11-30T23:18:00.003-05:00

Here's what's wrong with the NHL:
The Penguins have 19 wins and 9 losses. The Sharks have 18 wins and 10 losses.
The Penguins have won 68% of the games they've played.
The Sharks have won 64% of the games they've played.

However, the Sharks have 2 more points than the Penguins since the Sharks lost 4 games in overtime while the Penguins lost all their losses during regulation.

Really?

The Sharks deserve 1 more win worth of points because, when they lose more often than the Penguins, they manage to do it on OT?

There are a lot of reasons Americans don't like hockey, and this probably isn't one of them. But it makes we mad.

Another example, closer to my heart:
Thrashers - 14 wins, 10 losses (58% win percentage)
Boston Shiteatters - 13 wins, 13 losses (50% win percentage)
Both have 31 points.

Absolute crap...

Suck It ~~Trebek~~ Gary Bettman
Mike

PS. I used Penguins and Sharks in my first example since they have the most wins of all NHL teams. I honestly don't care too much about either team as long as they lose when they play against the Thrashers.

Old... like 35

2009-11-20T15:57:00.004-05:00

Last night Michelle and I went to see Minus the Bear play. While we were waiting in line to get in, we noticed the abundance of younger people also waiting to get into the show:

The slutty chick who had to speak loud enough so that everyone within 20 feet of her knew she was facebooking on her phone.

The drunken guy that kept leaning on me and repeatedly saying, "Sorry, I'm drunk." To which Michelle or I would answer, "We know, you told us that 2 minutes ago".

The skinny kid in pants that were too tight, expect in the butt, where, I presume, he kept room for crapping himself when he gets too drunk or lazy to go to the bathroom.

That was part 1.

Later during the show, while looking around for the source of someone engaging in reefer madness, while scratching my temple near my gray hairs, I commented to Michelle, "We're probably the third and fourth oldest people in this room."

That was part 2.

Since Michelle and I are both fans of Minus the Bear, we listen to them at home. Logan hears their music and has become familiar with it. During the song "Ice Monster", Michelle recalled and shared a story of how Logan responded to the lyrics of that song, "Take a step back and turn yourself around," by spinning around and saying, "I am turning around."
I told her, "We're at a concert and talking about our kids."
She said, "Yeah, we're old."
I said, "We both had dental work done today."
(I wasn't lying either.)
We had to get close to hear each other over the music, crowd noise, and the earplugs we were wearing.

That was part 3.

Later that night, when we were leaving, we came across some kid who asked where an ATM was. He didn't have any cash to pay the parking fee. Michelle gave him $2 and said, "Here you go sonny. Stay in school." (Or something close to that.) Noticing he also wore dumpy ass, tight leg pants, I told him to get some new pants. (Seriously.)
Then we got in our Buick and drove home.

That was part 3.
Oh wait I already said part 3, my memory is a little fuzzy.

PS. Did you see this post yet?

About time, Slacker

2009-11-19T04:48:00.002-05:00

Lazy sunnabitch

Sci Fi

2009-11-13T11:54:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow, I'm going to the future. See you then.

S.I.T.

11/06/09: Friday Five

2009-11-06T23:28:00.003-05:00

Pre-S. I know I can't count anymore...

Magnus Opum: Bands' best CDs (so far for some)

Minus the Bear - Planet of Ice (They Make Beer Commericals Like This is a close second)
Bjork - Vespertine <-- This one is probably my favorite of the bunch. Radiohead - OK Computer
Jimmie's Chicken Shack - Bring Your Own Stereo
The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium
Soundgarden - Superunknown
Alice in Chains - Dirt
Stone Temple Pilots - Tiny Music...Songs from the Vacitan Gift Shop

That's about all the bands I have all or most of their albums. Most other bands I like I only have a few albums or only buy the songs I like.

Suck it Trebek,
Mike

Helen, you little hussy

2009-10-24T11:20:00.001-04:00

I'm seriously considering purchasing The Fall of Troy's newest album In the Unlikely Event. I'm even thinking of getting the real CD (not just crappy mp3's --with all their digital clipping and other such limitations the average peon's ears can't detect but are there nonetheless tainting the music like the space between). Then I can lick the plastic at night before I go to sleep.

You can wiggle, you can dance, part 2

2009-10-21T06:06:00.000-04:00

So I walked into the bathroom and noticed pee pee all over the seat and toilet and floor. I know for a fact my pee pee was only on the front of the toilet. I clinched my hand into a fist...

Logan!!!

LOGAN!!!!

Advertising

2009-10-19T22:37:00.008-04:00

I've been seriously considering putting some ads on my blog. The extra 49¢ per year of income will really go a long way towards my dream of one day owning my own pony, Master Fredrickson Appleworth III. I will ride him all around that circle at High Meadow ALL DAY LONG!!! I love him!!
So anyway if you see some ads, don't be alarmed or discouraged, click on them, knowing that you're helping me and my children live the lives of kings.

That reminds me, are you bothered by feminine itching and odor? It used to be a problem for me, but I don't worry about it anymore. Not since I tried Vagasil® Deodorant Powder. Vagasil® is the natural choice for feminine hygiene and care. A few little squirts and everything is minty fresh again. I wouldn't leave home without it.

Vagasil®, These beats are so Fresh!.

Smell ya later!

You can wiggle, you can dance...

2009-10-14T12:26:00.005-04:00

Something I don't like:
When I use the restroom at the store and after washing my hands, use the Xlerator to dry them, the overpowered blast of air shoots water drops all over my crotch and when I leave the restroom, people think I got pee pee on my pants.

This is Darryl, and my other brother Darryl...

2009-09-05T12:10:00.006-04:00

When we're out and about with the twins, I'm totally shocked by how often people ask if they are twins. Seriously? You can't tell? What do you think they are? Idiots.

Rather than let loose a string of obscenities at the obviously retarded questioner, Michelle and I have resorted to getting as much entertainment out of it as possible.

DUMBASS: Are those twins?
ME: Oh no, one is almost 2, but he's a midget.

STUPIDSHIT: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, they're actually 9 months apart. I didn't think you could get pregnant having sex in the maternity ward.

ASSMOUTH: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: No they're triplets.
ASSMOUTH: Oh, the third one's with someone else?
MICHELLE: No, he's right... (frantically) oh no!!! Oh no!! Someone stole my baby!

FARTKNOCKER: Are those twins?
ME: No, only one is a real baby, the other is a robot.
(One time I tried this the FARTKNOCKER actually replied, "No, seriously, are they twins?" Stupid...)

ASSYNUTS: Do twins run in your family?
MICHELLE: Well, my husband and I are twins.
ASSYNUTS: Really? That's amazing, you and your husband, both twins.
MICHELLE: Yeah. Our mommy was praying for twins and she done got 'em.

ANUSSNIFFER: Are they twins?
ME: I not really sure.

SCROTUMCHEESE: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, we bought one.

RABBITHUMPER: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: Huh? What the f.... how do these keep in my shopping cart?

BOOGEREATER: Are those twins?
ME: Are what twins?
BOOGEREATER: Those babies.
ME: What babies?

Got any ideas? Let me know.

S.I.T.

109

2009-08-16T04:44:00.003-04:00

So now I'm 1 billion seconds old. (Probably more than a billion by the time you read this.) If only I had 1¢ for each of those seconds.

1 billion seems like a lot. That's because it is. And chances are, you've been around for more seconds than I have. Ha!

Pop Pop!

2009-07-09T13:20:00.005-04:00

Ever watch toast pop out of the toaster? It's just like watching my sons being born. Exciting stuff!

Here's Logan (the big brother) with his new brothers, Cody Stone (on the left) and Parker James.

Next on my TO DO list: Get my tubes tied.

This is why I always love F-minus sometimes

2009-07-06T12:34:00.005-04:00

Click these symbols and stuff: !!&^#$&...,,,,;'~~'*&$4

S.I.T.

N1E1R1D2

2009-05-29T05:40:00.003-04:00

Authors note: I wanted to name this article T₁E₁O₁P₃A₁N₁S₁, but Blogger limits the post title to 39 characters, and including the code to make the little sub numbers includes more than 39 characters. Please pretend the post is titled T₁E₁O₁P₃A₁N₁S₁

We recently changed our cable policy so we no longer have Skinamax. While I am deeply saddened by this, the $40 per month we are no longer spending on TV will be used to buy me a chainsaw so I can carve those stupid bears out of wood. Fortunately, I still have most of the channels I watch and pretty much all of the HD channels I watch (which is mostly the sports channels).

One time I was channel surfing through the sports channels and stumbled across the Scrabble championship. Scrabble is not a sport. What a waste of my time. Sure, I like playing Scrabble, I also like dropping a good deuce once in a while too, but I don't want to see the national crapping championship on ESPN2 (aptly named ESPN2, I might add). The winner won by spelling Teopans, a type of dwelling for Indians I think.

So last night, I happened to channel surfing and stumbled upon the spelling bee on ABC. I actually watched it for 5 minutes or so and saw the winner correctly spell Laseodmmriand, or something like that.

With that kind of spelling aptitude, she could go on to be a future Scrabble champion and we could someday be watching her take a dump on ESPN2. Just imagine all the nice things she could buy with the $250 champion's prize money she could get if she does win the Scrabble championship. What an athlete!

To close, I would normally stick with my favorite closing, 'Suck it Trebek", but I think in this case, it's more appropriate to end with,
Squeeze it easy.

Almost

2009-01-20T21:16:00.004-05:00

Things are starting to slow down after the holidays and all the year end reporting at work. Soon I will post more about my awesomeness. Until then, these old posts will have to suffice. Let me know you're still out there with a quick comment every once in a while. And check out my awesome moustache. Since I grew it, I've killed four bikers, just by looking at them, and impregnated four women, again, just by looking at them. One of them was Michelle..and now she's pregnant...with twins!

Crap. Stupid moustache. I shaved it off just be safe.

R.I.P.? Milan
She's even 3 years older now, but doesn't look a day over 94
Michelle still loves ice cream
He still sucks at guitar (though he's half way decent at drums)
I will go back

Yo.

Thanks

2008-12-29T11:32:00.003-05:00

Thanks to you for giving me presents for Christmas. My favorite thing is what you gave me. I really appreciate it.

Please note that there are still a few things not crossed off my list, and since new year's is right around a corner, there are plenty of great things you can still get me as a new year's day present.

It would totally suck if I didn't get all I asked for, especially since I was so good this year, and I fed all of you on Christmas day, or on Logan's birthday party, or at Bob's since I made the mac and cheese this year.

Speaking of sucky things, the Thrashers are totally crappy. Not really a newsflash since they have always been below average. At least they've won more games than the Detroit Cry-ins.

I'm mildly disappointed that the Patriots lost the tiebreaker against the Dolphins. Both teams are 11-5, both are 4-2 in the AFC east, and both are 10-3 against similar opponents, but one of the Pats' losses was against the Chargers whereas the Dolphins lost to the Chiefs - meaning the Dolphins were 8-4 against the AFC while the Pats were 7-5. Oh well. I'll always have that 18-1 season to fondly remember...

S.I.T.
(text for "Suck It Trebek")

Internet traffic

2008-12-21T11:55:00.004-05:00

So I have this idea. I'm going to try and see how many people will send me $1.
$1 is not that much to spare, especially for a good cause, such as stuff I want. Plus, it is still the season the giving. All I need to do is get one million people to read my blog and then get them to send me $1. Then my charity will be completely funded for now.

Tell all your friends about it!

First though, I need to drum up some traffic on my blog, so I've decided to fill my blog with some inconspicuous buzzwords to see if that helps get more people to visit.

You probably won't even notice them.

Unforunately, I don't have the talents of the naked chef Jamie Oliver, who cooks hot dishes for men and women. Or male scientists like Edison or Bell, both who lead to enhancement of communication in this world. Or even a world leader, like Obama, who gets excited about helping people all the time so they can obtain freedom from pirates while shipping oil around the persian gulf.

This might be a little harder than I first thought, man.

Suck it Trebek.

PS. STAR WARS BOOBS FREE GAS GREAT PRICES LIMITED EDITION

UNCLASSIFIED: Look at all your different colored hats!

2008-12-15T18:53:00.002-05:00

My brother, Jermane, is in the army and I guess he was recently promoted. Now he's something like the cobra commander of his headquarters.

Here's a recent picture of him.

This is what I figure his days will be like now that he has increased responsibilities.

His old rank was sergeant slaughter or maybe it was cap'n crunch, I can't really remember. To be honest, I didn't pay too much attention to him, but now he's in control of the nukes, so I figure it's time to be nice, just in case...

If you're as worried as I am, you should help me appease him. I can deliver some necessary items to him, such as a Martin D28. Just get one and send it to me and I'll take it from there.

Hopefully we can keep this warmonger happy long enough to stock up on Twinkies, Spam, and vienna sausages in the new bomb shelter behind the furnace.

Now you know, and knowing's half the battle.

Gobbledy Gobble (Turkey for "What up suckas!")

2008-11-28T10:01:00.025-05:00

Hey there,

It's thanksgiving time again. A time for Thanks, but more importantly, a time for giving. Giving to me. Giving to me presents! Jå Hanz! Ich bin solch ein recht junges Mädchen!

So here's my wish list this year.
(Santa, I know you read my blog, you fat sumbitch.)

This exact USB-AC adapter/charger

This Thrashers Hooded Sweatshirt in large

Batman: Gotham Knight movie

LEGO bricks
Lego shop at home allows you to purchase specific bricks in any quantity. Here are some bricks I’d like for my building. Start here. Scroll down and enter the element IDs from below in the element ID area.

They are sort of in order of preference…

Element ID	Description	Color	Quantity
~~4210631~~	~~Latice plate 1x2~~	~~Dark stone grey~~	~~100~~
~~654126~~	~~Technic Brick 1x1~~	~~Black~~	20
~~654101~~	~~Technic Brick 1x1~~	~~White~~	20
~~4121715~~	~~Connector peg w/fricton~~	~~Black~~	50
~~370026~~	~~Technic Brick 1X2, Ø4.9~~	~~Black~~	~~100~~
~~302126~~	~~Plate 2x3~~	~~Black~~	30
~~243101~~	~~Flat tile 1x4~~	~~White~~	20
4210700	Brick 1x1 w/ knobs	Dark stone grey	50
4253815	Brick 1x2 w/ 4knobs	Black	20
307001	Flat tile 1x1	White	20
243101	Flat tile 1x4	White	30
306801	Flat tile 2x2	White	20
4211194	Flat tile 1x4	Reddish brown	20
243123	Flat tile 1x4	Bright blue	20
243126	Flat tile 1x4	Black	50
4211356	Flat tile 1x4	Medium stone grey	50
3000840	Plate 1x1	Transparent	60
4211399	Plate 1x1	Medium stone grey	100
4211053	Flat Tile 1x4	Dark stone grey	20
4211389	Brick 1x1	Medium stone grey	40
4211098	Brick 1x1	Dark stone grey	40
307026	Flat tile 1x1	Black	20

~~The Force Unleashed for the Wii~~

~~A gift certificate to MoreBeer.com (NOTE: This cost $1 in addition to the face amount),~~

~~Rome Season 1 & 2~~

Robots and Empire, by Isaac Asimov

Nightfall by Isaac Asimov and Robert Silverberg

This USB SD card reader from Best Buy

~~A Leatherman multi-tool, like this one here.~~

~~Saw blade~~

Acoustics album by Minus the Bear

~~Guitar Hero: World Tour Bundle for the Wii~~

Make sure you coordinate with others, since I don't need more than one of most of the things on the list.

Now get buying!!
Thanks.

You're all goofy

2008-11-12T07:00:00.004-05:00

Hey. Thanks for inviting me to go to Disney World too.

Bitches.

Happy Veterans Day

2008-11-11T11:11:00.004-05:00

Hey there,

Happy Veteran's Day to all you vets out there. The countless animal lives you've saved has made America a better place. Kudos to you for ignoring Bob Barker and impregnating your pets.

Suck it Trebek,
Mike

Freaky Friday

2008-11-08T13:28:00.004-05:00

Ever notice that 31 backwards is 13? And that Halloweener was on Oct 31, a Friday...almost a Friday the 13^th?

Freaky.

I honestly carved that pumpkin, seriously. With my wiener.

Halloween is always a great time. I like to hide in the bushes and shoot the treat or treaters with a BB gun.

Look at this little bastard who showed up for some candy.

ROAR, BITE, SCRATCH

2008-10-31T07:13:00.004-04:00

Lately, I can't stop listening to the sound of animals fighting. The snarling, the growling, the gnashing of teeth.

I find something soothing in all the ruffled feathers and torn fur.

It's probably due to the wildlife encroaching on my tamelife. Some f@#%$!* squirrels and chipmunks ate through my garage door! Little bastards.

We got some of them back by "gettin' all rednecky" on them.

Three chipmunks even got into the bucket we store bird seed in (which is in the garage). Apparently they didn't like each other very much, and one of them ate the others in their face until they died. The animal cruelty this one chipmunk displayed was appalling to me, so I had an associate of mine bust a cap in his ass.

All in all, we've finally got enough varmints to have that pot luck dinner I've been promising. Look for the invite in the mail soon!

Build it Smaller

2008-10-24T11:57:00.004-04:00

I'm a fairly creative person. One time, I invented hammers by punching nails into wood.

The point is that I like things which I find likable. Like country fried steak, Stars Wars, and crotchless panties.

Anyway, when I was younger, a friend of mine had a sheet wrapped around like 10,000 LEGOs. (Properly, the pieces are called LEGO bricks, or more properly, LEGO elements, but everyone just calls them all LEGOs, so I will too.)

I still like LEGOs. I'm sure I have more than 10,000 now, but not wrapped up in a sheet. Because I'm OCD, I have them neatly sorted and in labeled bins. (I can't really be serious, can I?)

I like finding interesting ways to use bricks, especially when it's not their intended use. (Think, band camp...)

One site I stumbled upon is htp://www.LEGOupmybutt.com. It looks uncomfortable.

But seriously, I like when people find neat ways to build cool things with LEGOs, like these things here:

THING1
THING2
THING3
THING4

That's why I really like this person's blog:

http://microbricks.blogspot.com/

Microscale LEGO modeling requires a great deal of creativity, skill, and intelligence, equivalent to repairing an airplane, managing a country club, killing Iraqi insurgents, playing fiddle for the Fort Worth hoedown band, or whatever it is that Bob does (something to do with getting stuff hard).

You should look at that blog if you want to.

Suck it Trebek,
Mike

My new favourite closing

2008-10-22T22:33:00.008-04:00

(All of a sudden I'm British...It's as if I like watching a bunch of douchebags run around grass kicking a ball aimlessly for 2 hours)

Remember when I realized no one even listens to me anyway? Vagina!

Now I also have a new favorite endings to my conversations: Suck it Trebek!

Yeah. That rules.

Suck it Trebek!

You're a sick itchy va jay jay!

2008-10-19T22:57:00.001-04:00

I can't beleive you clicked on that link. You're a sick person. E-mail me $100.

Recent Idiot Sighting

2008-10-13T19:04:00.003-04:00

Idiots are still everywhere...

I imagine this is part of the language in the lawsuit:

"I didn't follow the directions, and things didn't turn out as I wanted, so it's their fault. I am a fartknocker."

Link here (or click above pic for larger image)

Law & Order: SUV

2008-10-11T11:10:00.003-04:00

Michelle and I got a new SUV about a month ago.

Since no one wants an SUV right now, the price was just right. Of course, we were worried about the fuel economy and the rising cost of gas. But then, I realized that the SUV gets the worst MPG when it's sitting there at stop signs and red lights. So now, we just run them.

But I still worried about what to do when/if we get stuck in traffic or behind someone.

I know I could lay on the horn or try to drive over the curb, but that wouldn't be quite enough. So I put some big tires on it and now we just drive over other cars.

It's great, we get like 18 miles per gallon!

Give me money, please

2008-10-09T23:38:00.001-04:00

Times are tough here at Meglo*Life. Just the other day I got an e-mail that told me to refrain from using the color printer, unless it absolutely necessary. Now I have to look at grayscale pictures of the miniature LEGO cities I printed. It's not very nice looking at all. At least I can still use the glossy paper.

At the same time, we kicked off the annual Ewe Knighted Weigh campaign. Even though the company's trying to save money, I understand the need to give, and I'm glad that the company encourages philanthropy. So far I've donated a sum of money equal to e ^(i*π) +1, which is quite a lot, when you consider that both, the number e, and the number π go on forever. Seriously, they do.

The company's really diligent about informing us about this opportunity to give. In the men's room in the area I work (one of at least twelve) there are 8 color printed 8.5" by 11" flyers telling me to donate. Since there are at least 24 bathrooms in total for both genders, does that mean that there are 192 color copies? (But I have to print black and white pictures of miniature LEGO Star Wars ships I found on the internet?!) And that doesn't count the color printouts in the halls. Or the other buildings Meglo*Life uses. Plus, someone had to hang them all up. Was his/her time donated. If they are an employee, did they stay late to get their regular work done? Were they hired to hang up the color printouts? Did Staples or Office Depot donate the color toner cartridges for the printing or do the printing for the campaign for free?

I wonder what the net effect of the campaign is when you figure in lost productivity and cost of materials, (including the glossy donators pamphlet proclaiming the biggest donors, "Gold Members" or something like that.)

I decided to donate my money to the Wall Street bailout instead. Well, actually, I didn't decide, someone else decided for me, and he probably doesn't even know as much as I know about finance (which is slightly more than e ^(i*π) +1), but he probably has gray hair, old balls, and a lot more money than me, so he must understand better than I.

Spring cleaning

2008-07-21T13:43:00.003-04:00

I know, it's already summer.

I haven't had much time to do a lot of writing , posting, brewing, reading, etc.

But I did finally upload a post from the past.

Making stupid things funny

2008-07-02T12:22:00.007-04:00

Sometimes things are so stupid they are funny. Like Kung Pow! Enter the Fist, or Tenacious D. Other times things so stupid, they are just stupid. Like Garfield. The guy that writes Garfield is so stupid that if it weren't for something else that I'm going to tell you about, I'd be seriously pissed off that I've wasted any time even knowing that Garfield exists. It's just so stupid. Not funny. Never.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all really only funny to Jim Davis, but not funny because of the content--funny because he actually gets millions to write such a stupid comic. Maybe it's a joke he's playing on the world. That's the funny part to him. He probably laughs every time he writes saying, "Ha! Some bozo's going to cut this out of the paper and put it on their fridge. Loser."

Fortunately, I stumbled upon, Garfield minus Garfield. Great stuff; not only it is unintendedly humorous, but it's funnier than the original comic, further reiterating how crappy the original strip is.

Here are some great strips I saw while looking through the website:
#1
#2
#3
#4
#5
#6
#7
#8

PS. These Garfield minus Garfield are also stupid, but so stupid it's sort of funny. Maybe it's a relative thing. Man, I hate Garfield.

Yo

2008-05-22T08:00:00.004-04:00

It's been a while.

What have I been always doing sometimes?

Summarized list:
- Working
- Logan
- Warming weather
- Killing

When I get home from working, I just haven't felt like sitting in front of a computer screen after doing so all day long. Especially now that Logan is a little older and running around; it's a lot of fun to play with him. And once he's in bed, my second job as a hitman takes up my whole night.

One job got me thinking. It really wasn't much of a job at first, it got interesting, but in the end, wasn't much of a job either.

Getting in to his place was easy. Since it was late at night, the ride to White Plains barely took an hour. His house was on a cul de sac not far from the Cross Westchester expressway. His place was right at the end and his backyard ran up against some woods and a baseball field.

He was home, which I knew before I left, and alone. He was Indian, I think, and judging by the decor in his place, Buddhist. His place was immaculate; clean, straight lines, fancy art on the walls, leather couches, mahogany hardwood floors, posh Oriental rugs throughout, a dark wooden bookcase full of hardcover books. This had some money, and for a minute I almost let myself wonder why he had a contract. I brushed it aside and climbed the stairs to his bedroom. I thought about climbing up the railings, since his stairs were finished hardwood with no runner, but decided it would be better to save my energy and besides, nobody's stairs squeaked as much as mine. The master bedroom had more Buddhist relics in it. As I moved through the open doorway, I noticed a fat, bald dude looking at me from the corner of the room. What the f... it was just a Buddha statue. I realized I was being lazy, but had nothing to worry about, this guy was out cold. But Buddha kept looking at me. Kept staring at me.

I couldn't shake the "karma, noble truths, etc." junk I had learned about Buddhism back when I was confirmed at my church. Instead of worrying about my actions though, I thought, "I guess this guy just had it coming."

I looked around for any weapons he might keep in his bedroom, and after finding nothing, decided it'd be best to finish the job in the hall, on the wooden floor. It might be easier to clean up then.

I walked out into the hallway to look around when I heard him moving. I turned around slowly, quietly, to face his doorway, and slowly began walking backwards, periodically glancing over my shoulder for a place to hide. Then the karma thing bit me in the ass. Literally, and it stung. I had backed into the corner of a side table he had in his hall. It was barely a bump, but enough to not only hurt my ass, but also send a large vase, and some ugly fake flowers, over onto the hardwood floors. Shit! I thought, but the vase hit with a soft thud, unbroken. Karma.

Nonetheless, he stumbled out of this bedroom and towards me, seemingly unaware I was just inside the shadows at the end of the hall. He looked half asleep still, and I figured he was heading into the bathroom or something.

He was wearing long, baggy pajama pants and no shirt. Once his gait revealed he had light colored socks on. He held an empty glass in one hand. He rubbed his face with the open palm of the other hand and picked his head up after he finished. Then he noticed my silhouette in the shadows.

I was just readying myself to move towards him when he startled and stepped back. His left foot hit the edge of the top stair awkwardly and he tumbled down violently. I quickly followed him down, using the railings to hurdle the broken glass that was strewn across the top few treads.

I got down to the bottom with my rope in hand when I noticed how still he was. His head was facing toward the wall but his torso was bent back, unnaturally and probably uncomfortably towards the middle of the room. I checked his pulse. He was dead. Karma.

I didn't even have to clean up. I was going to get paid because this dude was a klutz.

I put my rope back in my coat pocket and headed toward the window I climbed in. I noticed a framed picture on the wall that I didn't see when I came in. It was of Buddha with a saying superimposed over the picture. It read:

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense."

Literally that means, "only listen to what you want to hear."

I realize that's the mantra of a great number of people. People I know, people you know. It's a nice way to live.

I climbed out the window, pulled it shut and walked through the backyard, through the woods and to my car. I rubbed my ass where it still stung a little and got in. I drove home a little slower this time; I didn't want to get a speeding ticket. Speeding is dangerous and illegal.

Buddha was a genius. I never knew it was that easy to achieve nirvana.
Only listen to what you want to hear.

Hallo, guten Tag!

2008-04-26T10:36:00.009-04:00

Note to readers: many of the pictures in this post can be clicked on to be viewed larger.

Warning! Long post alert, but it's mostly pictures.

Michelle and I just got back from Europe a week ago. It was great. We spent time in Bamberg, Germany (where my brother lives) and Rome. Here are some pictures. We took over 600 pictures and movie clips!

Here's where my brother lives:

Just kidding, he really lives at # 31. Here's the street he lives on.

Here's some photos of the city of Bamberg.

Bamberg has 10 breweries in the city, and is known for Rauchbier, smoke beer, which is brewed with malted barley that is dried over open flames.

Rome was great. It's amazing how much history there is in the city, and how much the modern city just grw up around, and blends into the old stuff, both the antiquitious Roman senate/empire buildings and the Vacatian and Catholic areas.

Walking to the Vacatian.

This shot was taken only 3-5 minutes walk from our hotel room!

The Swiss Guard at the basilica.

St. Peter's Square

St. Peter's Basilica

Some shots from inside

Some things from the Vatican museum.

The Tiber river, from the Castel Sant'Angelo, outside of Vatican City.

The Ancient Roman ruins were awesome. It's pretty amazing how they have survived the sacking of Rome, and WWII as well as they have.

Back in Germany, Pottenstein.

Also, back in Bamberg, we went on a brewery tour. We only went to four breweries, since we had to leave early the next day.

Klosterbrau

Spezial Brau

Mahr's Brau

I took so many more pictures. I didn't even include any of Frankfurt here.
I can show you some more pictures if you want.

I'm planning to go back around October 2009.

Friday Five Six, 04/04/08

2008-04-04T08:35:00.003-04:00

The best hockey players ever, including the future...

GOALIE:
Martin Brodeur - I know, you think I should have said Patrick Roy (I say it "Patty Roy", where Roy is pronounced like boy...) But, the truth is Brodeur is just better. Better save percentage, better win percentage, better GAA. Like 30 more shoutouts, all in 2 less seasons. Brodeur only had one season where his save percentage was under .900, his first. Roy had three. If Brodeur plays next year, and wins games at only 2/3 rate he has throughout his career, he'll best Roy for most wins ever. And next season he could conceivable pass Terry Sawchuk for the most shut-outs ever. The only thing going against Broduer is play-off wins, but maybe Roy just played on better teams. Oh yeah, there's also that one thing in 2001, when Roy and the Colorado Avalanche beat Brodeur and the Devils in the Stanley Cup finals, but we can look the other way on that for now.

DEFENSEMEN:
Bobby Orr - One time, while killing a penalty, Orr kept possession of the puck for more than one minute. The only reason he lost possession? He scored a shorthanded goal. Orr is arguably the first offensive defensemen though he didn't slack on defense. (Canadiens spell it defence, but they were taught by British folks, and we all know they speak English wrong.) He was known to often take the puck the length of the ice, meaning he gained control of the puck while playing defense. When he retired early due to knee problems (I think it was knees), the NHL was bright enough to realize what they just saw end, and he was inducted into the hall of fame at age 31, younger than anyone else.

Doug Harvey - Doug Harvey played hockey before I was born, but for some reason people seem to think he was one of the best defensemen ever. He played on 11 consecutive all star teams and won the Norris trophy seven times. Frankly, I think that everyone considers him one of the best because he had two first names. But not just that, they are both cool, asskicking, rough names: Doug and Harvey. He's actually from Frenchy Frencherville, so his name could have easily been Claude Michele, Jean LaPoof or something super soft and girly, but no, he was just Doug Harvey.

OFFENSEMEN:
Mario Lemieux - Mario Lemieux basically was the offense when he played for the Penguins. He scored almost 60% of the teams goals during his span. He scored 10 shorthanded goals twice in a season, one of those seasons he had 13--more than anyone else. One time he scored 5 goals in one game: one even strength, one shorthanded, one on the power play, one of a penalty shot, and one into an empty net. Plus Lemieux was banged up quite a bit. I can only imagine that he'd be a lot closer to Gretsky's gretaness if he wasn't hurt so much. Only Gretsky scored more points per game then Lemieux over the course of their respective careers. If Lemieux didn't come back after surviving cancer, he would have averaged more points per games than Gretsky.

Mike Bossy - Bossy was one of the best shooters. He scored 50 goals in 9 straight seasons, even Gretsky didn't do that. Along with Gretsky and Lemieux, he was one of the few players to score 50 or more goals in the first 50 games of the season. He scored more goals per game than other other player in NHL history. And even though his name was Bossy, he won the Lady Byng trophy for good sportsmenship 3 times, in only 10 NHL seasons. Like Orr, his career was cut short by injuries.

Wayne Gretsky - I really don't need to say anything here, but I will. 2,857 points in 1,487 games. That's the most points ever, the most that there ever will be and best points per game ever (almost 2). In second place (a distance second) is Mark Messier, "only" 970 points less at 1,887. And he needed over 250 more games than Gretsky to get that close. (Close is still pretty far away.) Gretsky scored at least 50 goals in the first 50 games of a season three times. One of those times, he scored 61 goals through 50 games. He scored 10 hat tricks in a season twice. He scored more points in one season then anyone ever will (215) and more goals in one season (92) and more assists in one season (163). He can fly and eat nails. Also, he was in a cartoon with Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan. (Michael Jordan is the best athlete ever, so that's pretty cool for Gretsky too.)

People who could have made the list, but didn't:
Patrick Roy
Guy Lafleur
Rocket Richard
Sidney Crosby
Chuck Norris
Ray Bork bork bork

I rock

2008-01-29T21:11:00.001-05:00

So, remember last week when I typed about the best guitar players ever. Do you? Well I do. It was one of the best moments in my life.

Some dookie thought I was wrong about Eddie Van Halen, but who really cares, when I was totally wrong about me. I should have put me in the top tier, just like I said in my comment to myself.

That's right: I got 100% of the notes right for Bulls on Parade by Rage Against the We Suck. It was only on medium difficulty, but still pretty cool, considering I did again on My Name is Boners by Weezer.

Plus, the chicks I was when I played guitar were pretty hot for cartoon characters.

The top 5%

2008-01-24T12:04:00.001-05:00

The other day Michelle and I were watching some show about Metal (it comes from Hell...) on VHI Classic. I pointed out how Mr. Big's ballad was so crappy but that the guitar and bass player were actually really awesome. Later, the show talked about Marilyn Mansion, and I pointed out how John 5, (who was the guitarist for Manson when show was filmed), was actually a guitar virtuoso sort of player as well. (Not really a virtuoso, but he's better than a guitar player needs to be to play for Marilyn Manson.)

So I got to wondering about who the best guitar players are. As with anything sort of rating, there has ot be some set of rules, and even then, it's still arbitary. I don't want to include people like John Williams (not the Star Wars guy, but this other guy), or Chuck Berry, even though, the things they did for guitar were/are pretty freaking awesome. I guess I'll limit the list to metalesque/rock guitar players.

Here's the list of top 5%, which I'd love some feedback on it if you're game for it. I'm sure there are people I'm forgetting or just don't know about.

Steve Vai
Paul Gilbert
Stevie Ray Vaughan
John Petrucci
Joe Satriani
Yngwie Malmsteen
Chuck Norris (Come on..., I couldn't in good conscience leave him off the list.)

Some close, but not quites:
Eddie Van Halen (I know you think I'm wrong, but really, he's awesome, but the guys in the previous section can play circles around him, and he probably can't, and never could have, played the stuff they can.)
Darrell Abbott
Marty Freidman
Buckethead
John 5

Some overrated players:
Carlos Santana
Jimmy Page

This list excluded some real great guitar players outside of the rock type genre such as:
Andre Segovia
John Williams
Wes Montgomery
Me
Tony Rice

Merry Christmas

2007-12-21T12:13:00.000-05:00

Santa got ran over by my grandma when he was leaving the mall after that lady groped him up. Now who will stalk me, and know when I'm asleep and when I'm awake?

This year is a bit different than the passed few since we have Logan around. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good this year. He didn't clean his room once. He threw food on the floor, barfed on the new carpet, and he's constantly ripping magazines apart and spreading them around the house. He got into my CDs at least three times and repeatedly throws Michelle's decroative rabbit on the floor. And at least once a day he opens the drawer in the kitchen where the ziplocks bags are and tosses every single one on the floor. I told Santa to put Logan on the naughty list and to not bring him anything. I'm not sure Santa got the letter though. I don't think he got any of my other letters. All I've really wanted for Christmas for the passed 5 years is a Martin D28. So far, no guitar. Santa you turd.

I'll end this message with a short, politically correct holiday poem,

Felix's nada dad,
Felix's nada dad,
Felix's nada dad,
for sparrow on yourself felix's dog.

Oh deer and wholly knight, piece two ewe. Prey for joy and good thymes four awl.

These are a few of my favourite things

2007-12-08T17:45:00.006-05:00

Ever notice how British people put u's in words that don't need u's?

Idiouts!

The free samples at the Lindt outlet in Lee, Ma say, "Precision Computing, Annual Conference, 2006" To be honest, they aren't that good.

So you know what this blog is all about, and you still want a free sample? Okay, here are some of my favorite posts ever!!!

boxers or briefs
Michelle's birthday excitement!
A new pet in the house.
Helpful, and professional
Michelle’s new job
The 80s ruled!
I can see you.

Friday Five 12/07/07

2007-12-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, Meglo*Life is a large enough company that I often overhear people saying stupid and/or funny things. Unfortunately though, I am also exposed to lots of idiots.

Five things I wish I could say to people at work, but I won't, based on past experiences.

1. As two women stop to chat in the middle of the hall:

"Hey, I have an idea for you?! Why don't you just stop to talk right in the middle of the hall? People love it when you get in their way! We really have nowhere else to go, and walking around your stupid asses helps us burn extra calories. You should get some kind of fitness-helper award. Hooray for you. Idiots."

2. As the elevator is about to close and someone (who is not handicap or 400 lbs) holds it up, only to get on to ride up one floor:

"Good thing the elevator is here for you, or else, how would you get your lethargic ass to your desk. Sloth nuts."

3. To the guy who cleverly backs his car into the 'Motorcycle only' parking spaces, narrowly missing other parked cars and two huge cement posts designed to prevent cars from parking there:

"Hey asshole, see those two huge cement posts and the sign that says 'Motorcycle parking only?' That means your crusty ass, 3 cyclinder, spray paint black and Bondo® gray colored, 1989 Toyota Celica, which must have a hole in the muffler, isn't supposed to park there, you inconsiderate, lazy shit."

4. To the lady who uses speaker phone to call, and talk to, her assistant (who sits 15 feet away):

"Here's a megaphone. Pinch your noise when you use it: Your grating voice isn't quite loud or annoying enough. I'm glad the world revolves around you. Seriously, your arm wattle is hot."

5. To the guy who walks across the building, (with a print out of a vague exhibit he asked me to fill out with ambiguous directions), to tell me a different number belongs in the "other" category:

"Oh I know it's wrong. I filled in the 'other' number wrong on purpose. I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to: a.) print out the exhibit, write the correct numbers on it in ink, and walk over here instead of emailing it to me, and b.) too dumb to just fill in the correct number on an exhibit I couldn't care two donkey craps about. Guess what? You passed, you are truly a moron. I still can't figure out how you manage to get your pants on in the morning."

Someone once said I was sarcastic. Or did they say I was just a jerk?

Friday Five 11/30/07

2007-11-30T23:59:00.001-05:00

I love food. It's usually my favorite thing to eat. The best thing about food is, not only is it delicious, but without it, you would die.
Michelle makes me food too, which is good, since as I already stated, I love food and I need food.

Five Awesomely Delicious Meals that Michelle makes for me, because she knows what's good for her (and what's good for me)
The order is not important

#1. Chicken(or Country) Fried Steak - It sounds weird but it's so good it makes me tear a phonebook in half.

#2. "Little Hat" Pasta stuff with pancetta, prosciutto, and peas - I eat this stuff so quickly, my stomach explodes!

#3. Chicken Pot Pie - There's no need to type anything about this awesomely delicious meal, so I won't even type this sentence you're reading.

#4. Pasta e Fagioli - This soup is so good I eat it until I stop.

#5. Corn Salsa - It's not the kind of stuff you'd eat on chips. It's got some heat to it, and nice with chicken and cool wheat beer.

Boner petite!

Gobble gobble

2007-11-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

Gobble gobble.

Gobble gobble gobble gobble.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.
Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.

Recent Idiot sighting

2007-11-06T21:27:00.000-05:00

Idiots are everywhere.

#1
I can hear it now:
"9-1-1. What is your emergency?"

"uh...I'm still thirsty."

Link here (or click above pic for larger)

#2

Link here (or click above pic for larger)

Autumn comes in like a lamb and leaves like lamb chops

2007-11-04T09:07:00.001-05:00

There weren't as many scary kids this Halloween. Maybe it's because I'm older and kids scare me less now. Maybe it's because the pumpkins we carved were scary enough to keep the little freaks away.

Frizzle Frazzle Shaugar Bocca Bocca Hunta Kniveyeeezzzz !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of weekends ago, Michelle and I went to Bennington VT to stay at a bed and breakfast for our anniversary. It was nice. We'll go back there again.

On the way up, we stopped at Mount Greyskull to hike around and test how well my new camo suit works. As you can see, I blend in perfectly.

It was nice to get back into nature. I spoke to the trees.

I pondered the meaning of the forest...

After a few hours, we got to the bed and breakfast.

That's actually not the place we stayed, but some old, rundown house. It was huge, but very crusty looking. Here's where we stayed.

The only down side was that is was so cold up there and there was already a foot of snow!

It was kind of rainy but it was okay. We went to visit the great granite pecker of Vermont, the tallest structure in the whole state.

We went inside to the top. It's pretty high up there. Click on this picture to see our car really tiny down below.

When we got home, I did some work on the shed. I got enough of the shed done so that I can use it. Now all the junk that was in my garage is in the shed and I can park the cars in the garage. It's pretty nice.

Now I have to rake the leaves in the yard.

Coincidence?

2007-10-19T11:31:00.001-04:00

Charter finally settled their negotiations with the NHL and last night, the hockey package was available. It was the first Thrashers game I was able to watch. And they finally won!

I doubt it was a coincidence. Don Waddell should hire me as the new head coach. Or, he can hire Joe Torre. I hear that guy is available now.

This is a poem I wrote for Michelle.It's meaningless to you, but to her...

2007-10-18T18:30:00.001-04:00

You are a mommy now,
so maybe sometimes you forget that

you are mine.

I don't forget,
when I see you sleeping, dreaming
with subtle smiles crossing your face.
You can touch my arm as I sleep next to you,
I won't mind it,
even if I say I do.

You will always be my favorite thing in the world.

Equalibrium

2007-10-17T22:30:00.001-04:00

I'm impatient.

Damn, that took too long to type.

I'm not as funny as you think I am.

Here's a brief, real example of what I mean.

The other day, I was bringing the trash to the curb for pick up when I noticed something small moving slowly in the road. It moved in a weird way, almost like the wind was doing most of the work. I set the recycleables down and walked into the road to see what it was. It was a little squirrel. It appeared to have been involved in an automobile accident. Fortunately, it was only stunned--it's legs, back and head were all fine--it was only still a little scared. It looked like a young squirrel based on it's size and the roundness of it's face, but I really couldn't tell. I lifted my leg up enough to feel the stretch in my pants. Saddly, I admit, it was actually a little bit tough on my muscles, and it helped me realize I am a little out of shape and unflexible. I waited a moment with my leg in the air like some sort of yoga master. The sun made my shadow look long and funny. Then, suddenly, I dropped my foot, and my leg followed. Smash! The squirrel's head was crushed. I picked it up and drank it's blood, celebrating my victory over nature.

No! I'm just kidding, I didn't drink it's blood, that would be gross.

The point is, I'm only funny sometimes, and sometimes I'm not funny. When I'm not funny, I'm here. I probably won't update much, but I'll try real hard.

You might wonder how I can find the time to jibber-jabber all over these blogs, and I wonder how you have time to read them. Mostly, I don't do much at work, and my friends avoid me with clever excuses. If I really spent time with them, why would I need a blog to tell them what I'm always doing sometimes? They'd be there watching me do whatever it is that I always do sometimes!

There is a guy who makes marbles. He starts with some glass (which I guess is just sand) and melts it in a real hot oven of some type. He rolls the glass around, letting gravity shape the glass into a ball. He heats other colored glasses into long rolls, like logs. He scores the logs and breaks then. He heats the pieces up and layers them onto the glass ball. Then he heats the whole thing up again, rolling it around to let gravity make the shape into a ball. Then he adds more colors, sometime logs of colored glass, sometimes fragments or slivers. Then he heats it up again and rolls. The process repeats any number of times until he's satisfied with what he's made. He said that no two marbles are the same, with all the layers and rolling and heating.

I keep one of those marbles for a brain. That's why I'm so dumb.

Dead nuts

2007-10-10T22:32:00.001-04:00

My friend Nate and his subordinate Liz(ard) bought a house this summer. It's pretty ugly, but so are they, so it's a good fit for them. They put a list on their fridge of things they needed to do around the place such as, paint doors, clean carpet, replace garage lights, punch angry holes in walls, etc. I thought it was a great idea. I decided to do the same thing. This way, when I go to get a beer from the fridge, or Michelle goes to get some Bon bons while I'm at work, we see the list and do something about it. (Like pretend to not see it.)

The list is pretty long, some things on it are:
- hang and paint new interior doors,
- install new bathroom floor downstairs,
- buy new towel warmer for the pool house,
- punch angry holes in the walls,
- and so on.

So I've been getting a lot of stuff done around the place. I got the interior doors up except for the few I have to order because they are odd sizes. Not one door jamb was square in the house. The more work I do around the house, the more I realize monkeys must have built it (or drunken carpenters..."Why do birds suddenly appear...")

I've got most of the shed done, (in fact, earlier today, I was outside in the rain banging up trim work), pulled out some bushes, bought lots of things like the bathroom tiles and new front door, and I even put up three of the new exterior lights.

Here's how the new interior doors look:

That's the door to the basement. The other day, I went to replace the cable spliter in the basement with one that works with high frequencies. I opened the new door and saw this:

You can't really see it, but the piece of paper says, "How to fix squeaky stairs."

Michelle hung it there. She seems to think it bugs Logan when we go up and down the stairs when he's sleeping. Of course, when he's a teenager, she's going to want me to make the stairs squeaky again so she wakes up when he gets home. The funniest thing is that I asked Logan about it, and I don't think he really cares. Oh well. I told him, "When Mommmy's happy, we're happy."

Making new friends

2007-09-28T11:33:00.001-04:00

Hi there.

Long time, no see.

In some other post I'll tell you some things I've been doing.

So, here's a question for you: Wouldn't you think that helping someone out is a good way to make them a friend?

It's not. I'll tell you how I tried to help someone out, and how it didn't make them my friend.

Meglo*Life has one entrance that can pretty busy in the morning when people come to work. It''s shaped sort of like the picture below.

I drive in from the right side of the picture and turn left to get into the parking lot. There is a light there.

The people coming in from the left side (turning right into the parking lot) have a yield sign. I would guess it's so that people turning left into the parking lot don't have to yield, and they can therefore pull fully into the driveway to Meglo*Life, and out of the flow of traffic on route 10.

The other day, as I was pulling in, the guy in front of people decided to let someone coming for the other direction go. He failed to notice that they had a yield sign and that I was stopped with my car poking out into route 10.

I followed the guy's car as he parked and finally caught up to him in the building. I wanted to help him realize why there is a yield sign for traffic turning right into the parking lot. I also figured it was s good time to make a new friend in the process.

ME: Hey there.

HIM: Uh..hi.

ME: I noticed you let someone coming into the parking lot go, even though they have a yield sign.

HIM: Yeah, the line of cars turning in was long, so I figured I'd be nice.

ME: Was it really that nice? My car was sticking into the road, so I was impeding the progress of traffic on route 10. You knowingly chose to not follow the posted signs, so that cars on route 10 had to stop because you're an idiot. That's not nice at all.

HIM: blink blink

ME: I'm just trying to help you out. There's no reason for you to be a moron. The yield sign is there for a reason and when you yield instead of them, you defeat the purpose of the sign, and cause further delays, and possible dangerous accidents.

HIM: blink blink

ME: Maybe you could take a driving class of something. That would help you not drive like a assmunch.

HIM: eyes get wide

ME: Hey, want to got out for lunch today? I'll drive, okay?

HIM: No. Leave me alone, please.

Then he got in the elevator. He probably was only going to the second floor, lazy sonabitch.

Some people are so ungrateful.

The foley of technology part 2

2007-09-12T12:16:00.001-04:00

My internet connection at home has been acting up for over a month now. I'm posting this from work. When I get the internet working again, I might post more.

Word to your mother.

The Foley of technology

2007-08-15T23:30:00.001-04:00

I was cleaning up my junk (no, not my carrot and radishes), in the garage the other day and wondered how to read my square. A few days earlier, I got some help figuring how much lumber I'd need to build a shed that was already there when we bought the place. For the most part I could figure it out myself, since geometry is pretty easy for me due to my brain folds, and I know how many inches there are between each stud/joist/rafter. The rafters were the only tricky part as far as I was concerned.

Anyway, I wondered if, when Logan is 30, I'd be teaching him the same things I was learning when I got help figuring out how I'd build a shed. With the way science is going, for a second I was mildly unsure.

The truth is, though, we've been building houses the same way for over 200 years; you hold the hammer in one hand and set the nail with the other. And I came to realize that all we've gained from technology is how we communicate with each other. (Hell, this blog is a good example of that, read: please don't ever call me.)

We put people on the moon, but we still need a dude with a chainsaw to cut down trees for our homes. (He should have a beard too, but it's mostly optional.)

Even if you think about the medical or scientific gains we've got from technology, they still boil down to how we communicate with each other. Sure, computers do some hardcore calculations, but it's not anything new, just old calculations we already knew how to do, but the computer only does them faster. The computer allows us to communicate the results faster than we would have earlier. It hasn't come up with a novel way to get those results. Even an MRI is just a better way of communicating what's going on inside of us then we previously could with a stethoscope.

In the end, (and the middle too, I guess), humans are social animals, and I guess it's good that all we really need to spend our technological time doing is talking to each other in better ways. I guess it means we're not too busy running for our lives. (Ha! Take that Homo neanderthalensis, you bitch!)

A while back, a guy I know, whose almost middle-aged now, told me that he thought, by now, he'd have been to space.

I'll be honest, by the time I'm his age (a mere 20 years or so from now) I sure as hell hope I've been to space. We should probably have colonies in space after we invent an alloy to ward off radiation poisoning from the freakin' sun.

All this lead me to decide I'm going to teach Logan the same things my dad (and others) have taught me. I'm going to buy a 1984 Red Dodge Ram pick-up truck. When I look under the hood, all I'll see is the engine block, head, value cover, alternator, carborator, starter, transmission and a high school sized Andy Haight (yes, he did fit in there.) And everything is connected with one timing belt, except Andy.

Yeah, I know, I missed a few things like the power steering motor or wiper motor. The point is, if you really wanted to, you could look inside the engine compartment long enough, and with some tools and patience, you could figure out what was going on.
The other day, my router (or modem, still not sure which) was acting like a hinie and I couldn't get on-line. Suppose I took my computer (or router or modem) apart and looked at it. Would that really help me solve the problem? No way. The 1's and 0's are too small to see.

For lots of years, maybe millions, we humans got by with our brains and our hands. Until about 200 years ago, that's all we really had. Some people today don't have a clue how to cook food. They are incomprehensively dependent on someone else, almost like a baby, only they are grown-ups.

These are the people who will be eaten first if (when?) life goes back to being on the tundra. (I wish I could take the credit for that saying but I can't.)

There is value in understanding which way is up, or that clockwise tightens a bolt.

Now I know what Ben Franklin meant when he said, "When your balls itch, scratch them."

Friday Five 7/27/07

2007-07-27T12:34:00.001-04:00

Top Five Lightsaber duels, from the Stars Wars movies, not the books, or comics, or some geeks on YouTube!, in order from good to best:

#5. Darth Vader vs. Obi Wan, Episode 4 - This is the first time you actually get to see a lightsaber duel. Pretty cool symbolically too, since Obi Wan's death is the catalyst to Luke's pursuit of the force.

#4. Yoda vs. Count Dooku, Episode 2 - Sure, a little green dude-thing that can barely hobble around with a cane all of a sudden can flip and jump and what not. It's pretty cheesy and I'm sure some real fans of the franchise chuckled when Yoda went all apeshit. I did. But through out all the movies you constantly hear about how awesome of a jedi Yoda is, and finally, you get to see it. I liked that.

#3. Yoda vs. Darth Sidious (Emperor Palpatine), Episode 3 - Again, Yoda goes all nuts, but this time, it's against a better bad guy. I also like this fight for reasons similar to #4. In the original trilogy, why would this awesomely bad ass dude like Vader serve some crusty old raisin faced short dude wrapped in a blanket? In the duel against Yoda, we get to see that Palpatine really can whoop up on some jedi trader punks if he needs to.

#2 . Darth Vader vs. Obi Wan, Episode 3 - During this is battle, Darth Vader is still mostly human. This fight is not only wonderfully choreographed with great special effects and cool music, but it's also highly significant to the plot of the story. Without the defeat of Anakin here, who knows if Darth Vader would ever become beaten down enough to be subservient to the emperor enough to go along with the emperor's plans.

#1. Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker, Episode 6 - How can this not be the top lightsaber battle? It's the climax of the story, and it restores order to the galaxy once again (until all the damn Expanded Universe books came out.) Luke shows he has become a true jedi and the good that's still inside of Anakin is finally set free. I especially love the part after Darth Vader has been knocked down by Luke and the emperor is using force lightning to kill Luke. Even though he has a helmet on, the camera angles and music make the emotions on Darth Vader's perfectly clear. It's such a great scene. Thinking about it now brings a tear to my eye. R.I.P., as one with the force, Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker.

May the force be with you.

Precautionary measures

2007-07-26T06:14:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I think to myself, "I can tell you're reading my mind," just in case someone nearby is actually reading my mind.

Suck it, beotch

2007-07-24T22:27:00.002-04:00

WTF?!

2007-07-24T08:53:00.001-04:00

The other day, while I was making a martini, I spilled some dry vermouth on my shirt and my shirt actually got wet! How can that be?!

Friday five 7/20/07

2007-07-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

Five delicious beers that are not big time commerical beers (in CT):
- Barrington Brewery Nut Brown: Tasty brown ale, like Newcastle, only slightly better
- Thunder Hole Ale: Frighteningly named brown ale (not about your butt), again better than Newcastle.
- Stone Ruination IPA: Excellently hoppy and bitter, drunkness inducing brew. Not distributed in CT.
- Sierra Nevada Porter: Good in late Autumn and winter, by the fire, with a naked chick by your side- reminds of Robots due to Vermont vacations and reading selections
- Long trail Hefeweizen - an actual, real, (but introductory), hefeweizen! Long trail is pretty big in CT, but I doubt anyone drinks this particular style of beer.

That's all, piss off.

Friday Five: The new Movie

2007-07-13T13:13:00.002-04:00

Not really a movie.

Here is a list of the Friday Fives so far.

11/06/2009
04/04/2008
12/07/2007
11/30/2007
7/27/2007
7/20/2007
6/22/2007
6/15/2007

"I'm the one who wants to be with you"

2007-07-05T23:13:00.001-04:00

The 80's rocked.

Seriously.

Just look at these dudes (I think they are dudes?) and tell me the 80's didn't rock.

The best thing about the 80's was that bands actually had musicians in them back then. At some point in the early or mid 1990's bands started focusing on passion and emotion in their sounds and thus, popular music shifted towards feelings.

Feelings in music are great, but it still has to be music for those sounds to count, right?

Anyway, I recently realized that Paul Gilbert is one of the best guitarists ever. He is a virtuoso. He can play guitar at close to 845.2 beats per minute.

Plus, he wears a spacesuit around, which is just generally cool.

And he lived in Japan for a while, so it's probable that he's a quarter to a third ninja as well, and that's totally sweet.

I never knew back then how awesome he was. I only sort of knew of him because he was in Mr. Big, and they had that sissy hit ballad that was all over the radio, and MTV (back when MTV had music on it), and at high school dances. It was terrible.

I stumbled upon another band he was/is in called Racer X. These guys were totally 80's: big hair, leather jackets, bulge inducing ultra tight jeans, huge dangly earrings, etc.

To summarize, they rocked major ass.

I got to wondering why bands without musicians in them become popular. I recall Kim Thayil of Soundgarden commenting on a visit to a music store once. Apparently a young guitarist played circles around him there. Kim scoffed and said something like, "I made more money this year then you will your whole life, so who cares how much better than me you are."

Now, I doubt he meant to be an major asshole, and I think he made a good point: most listeners don't care if a band has ability. To be fair, I think Kim Thayil got lucky and Soundgarden only got popular enough for it matter after: a.) Nirvana, and b.) Chris Cornell learned how to play guitar and starting writing their songs.

In my experience, lots of times people have no idea what talent or ability is necessary to make certain sounds occur. Once even, a guitar player in high school demeaned Metallica because all they did was "play powerchords." Yeah sure, but they played powerchords, but they played them really, really fast and really clean. (Plus they played other things too, but this buttmunch was too busy strumming open chords to notice.)

Someone like Buckethead is a great guitarist as well, but what's it worth to him. I guess he tried to play in Guns n' Roses, but it didn't work out. I can imagine that Axl is a real dick to worth with, maybe because he has such a clear idea of what he wants out of his music. (Or maybe because he's just a dick.) Anyway, Buckethead could easily hold chops against Izzy or Slash (though Izzy can really write great songs) and he'd likely get really famous and rich if he played in Guns n' Roses long enough.

Maybe he doesn't care because he just likes making music and challenging himself. I don't know. I sometimes wonder if it's like the guy who holds the Guiness World Record for most items stuffed in his anus, or like most olympic sports. How valuable is the fact that you're the best at something if only 5 people even try (or care to try) to do it?

Now, it might sound like I'm advocating a shitass, "feelings" band like Staind. No. They suck balls. I hate them like Anakin hated Obi Wan after he cut all his extremities off. If I ever saw them, I would crap on their heads. I just wonder why Mozart can last so long, but modern talent, hard work and ability can easily be dismissed for a dude sounding like he's dropping a deuce in his pants.

Number 2!

P.S. Irony is this: as awesome is as awesome is, the hardest thing for a drummer to do is play 1 beat every second for 5 minutes straight, without a metronome, and still be on time when the 5 mintues is done. That is such a simple sounding thing, but so difficult. Go figure. I'm off to bed.

(A G-run plays in the breakground now. G-A-Bb-B-D-E-D-G.)

Friday Five 6/29/07

2007-06-29T12:00:00.001-04:00

My iPod has over 3,000 songs in it. That's like 192 hours worth of music. I usually listen to it at work, since: a) The lady next to me talks very loud and all day long, and; b) I work about 192 hours a day.

Right now, I'm listening a song called Just Kickin' Like A Wild Donkey. It's okay.

I have a lot of different kinds of music on there from classical, jazz, real heavy metal, awesome, and even a little bluegrass.

I have a lot of favorites, but only a few real favorites. The thing is, some of my favorite albums aren't always by my favorite bands. It's actually pretty rare that I like every song on an album. There are only a few albums I have that I do.

Five albums I can almost always listen to (I don't need to be in the mood) and I pretty much like every song on the album, even though the band is probably not one of my favorites unless they are:
(the order is sort of mostly meaningful)

OK Computer - Radiohead (11 of 12 songs - Fitter Happier isn't really a song anyway)
Superunknown - Soundgarden (14 of 15 - Spoonman is just too stupid for me)
Bring Your Own Stereo - Jimmie's Chicken Shack (13 of 13)
Dirt - Alice in Chains (13 of 13)
...And Justice for All - Metallica (9 of 9)

By the way, I purposely excluded "Greatest Hits" and "Best of" albums.

P.S. I don't intend for this blog to become a weekly top five list, it's just that I haven't done too much worth writing about lately.

Friday Five 6/22/07

2007-06-22T12:00:00.002-04:00

First Five Inductees into the Limpiefoot Hall of Fame:
All time rank included
1. Sean - multiple MVPs, one of the founding fathers
2. Dave - 'el loco
2. Jamie - protecting the innocent from violence
4. Nate - even though he wore shorts on his head
5. Jon - cheesegrater incident aside...

Firday Five

2007-06-15T00:06:00.003-04:00

Ha ha ha...

Damn...that's some funny ship. A real knee slapper.

Word. You know that this blog is all about what I'm always doing sometimes. (Right now, I'm stratching myself and typing with only one hand.) Back to two hands.

But I wonder if all three of you actually read the blog because I type funny stuff.

Anyway. On Fridays, I'll post a list of five things. This way you'll always know that I'll update the blog at least once a week.

PS. Some Fridays I won't post a list of five things, but I'll try to do it most Fridays. And I'll spell Friday correctly in the title next time too.

Since today is Friday, I figured I'd start today.

The order is almost always meaningless, unless it isn't.

Five songs by musicians you likely haven't heard off that may be worth a listen if you might like that sort of thing:

- Cat Power -The Greatest
- The Fall of Troy-Cut Down All the Trees and Name the Streets After Them
- This Holiday Life-Firefly
- Imogen Heap-Headlock
- Coulter-Delta (Hold and Fix)
- Tin Hat Trio-Happy Hour (comes in a close sixth)

Modern Times

2007-05-29T11:35:00.002-04:00

Here's an exerpt from the wikipedia (known for it's lies and falsities) article on my home town, HomerSimpson, CT:

"HomerSimpson is a town in Litchfield County, Connecticut. The population was 3,494 at the 2000 census. HomerSimpson was named after HomerSimp, the Greek playwright who wrote the tragedy Al Gore. HomerSimpson is known for it's magestic forests, exotic wildlife and cool residents, such as Mike and Logan. "

While that bit has some misstatements, it's generally, true, especially the part about the forests. From my house, I can barely see the sky through the leafy canopy. For the most part, that's a good thing, as it adequately hides my stills and weapons of mass destruction. But, this past week, it proved to be a nuisance.

We pay Charter (the only game in town) about $5,328.97 a month for cable and high speed internet. It recently increased with the addition of HDTV service. Michelle seemed to think that the money would be better used to buy me a Martin D28 or something, so she looked into satellite service.

It looked like a great deal:
- 30 HD channels, not the measly 10 that Charter has
- 200+ channels, including Sport South, the channel showing the Thrashers games
- $60 savings per month, including phone and DLS internet.

They mailed us a DLS modem and I installed it fairly easily on Thursday, and we were going good. Friday they were scheduled to come and install the dish, and then bam!, I spend the entire summer inside watching high def sports. Sweet deal.

Then things went crappy.

Dish Network contracts out the installation of the dish. The tech was supposed to come between 8 AM and noon on Friday. At 8:30 AM, Michelle got a call that they'd be late, but there between noon and 1 PM. No big deal.

Noon, no tech. 1 PM, no tech. 2 PM, no tech. 3 PM, no tech. We hadn't heard anything from them, so Michelle started calling to see what was going on. She was on the phone (or on hold) with Dish Network and the installation contracters back and forth for 2 hours. Still no word on where the tech was and when he'd get to the house.

Then, at 5:05 PM, the phone rings. I answered it because Michelle was feeling the opposite of not pissed off.

GUY: Hi, This is John, the tech. I'm running late.

ME: No shit. I realized that when you didn't show up at 1.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 2.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 3.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 4.

ME: Then I realized it again when you didn't show up at 5.

GUY: Sorry, I had....(insert excuses I really don't care about here.) I'll be there soon.

ME: No, We're leaving at 5:30. Get here first thing tomorrow morning.

GUY: Um, the contractor has jobs scheduled for me tomorrow. You'd have to call them to get them to have me come out there tomorrow.

ME: You suck.

It wasn't exactly like that, but that's the gist of it.

So Michelle calls the contractor and they tell her that he called to say he would be late and that we were making the decision to cancel the scheduled install on Friday. She, nicely, pointed out that telling us he's running late 4 hours after he was supposed to be here is not our decision to cancel the scheduled installation. Then he told her they could not come Saturday, and would have to come out on Tuesday. She tells the guy he's an idiot and then we re-schedule for Tuesday morning, since "the job takes 5 hours," and we had to leave the house at noon on Saturday anyway, effectively not giving the tech enough time to do the entire install on Saturday, even if he could make it out then.

Pause: The job takes 5 hours?! So the monkeynuts was going to show up at 5:30 PM and stay until 10:30 PM climbing around our house? Funk that. Idiots...

So anyway, Michelle tells the contractor we'll let Dish Network know that they contract jobs out to morons, and we expect some sort of reconciliation for the inconvenience of having to talk to these buffoons. The guy tells her that Dish Network will likely oblige (i.e. He knows he's a dunce.)

Now fast forward to Tuesday.

At 8:07 AM, the tech arrives, and tests for an adequate signal reaching the house.

Can you guess what he said?

Can you?

We don't have an area on our house that will receive a direct enough signal. We could stick the dish on a 6' pole on the roof, and that might work, but a normal installation might be iffy. He's leery of installing everything to only find out it doesn't come in well. He wants us to get a second opinion, which means scheduling a different imbecile to come back at a different time.

Yeah...

Needless to say, I'm watching Charter cable tv tonight.

This post is intentionally left mostly blank

2007-05-07T10:14:00.000-04:00

I'm deleting all comments too.

Public Service Announcement (You're welcome)

2007-04-27T18:48:00.001-04:00

My pet rock was acting up, so I threw him through the window. And, guess what, he freaking worked just fine. Sunabitch...

But seriously though. I have heard that some pets were getting sick and stuff, so I looked around to find some food that was safe to feed my pet rock. I found some, but you need to call to order. I'm not sure how expensive it is, but the call is free so you can get some information.

Please call 1-800-MY-PUPPY for safe food.

This storm's water is extra wet

2007-04-16T11:16:00.001-04:00

Damn dog. The rain seems to be full of water. WTF?!

This is easily the most rain we've had since April 13, 2007. A new record I think.

First off, my basement was full of water.

So, I had to go out and get some napkins or paper towels or something. I got outside and noticed the yard was flooded too. Here's a shoot from my front steps.

My new car was in a puddle too, but I was able to drive it out.

As I drove down the driveway, I looked back and snapped this shot of the house.

I'm going to need a lot of napkins for this.

The Thrashers win the pennant

2007-04-06T22:34:00.001-04:00

Today was a nice day.

At work, we reviewed earnings and things were well. Reserves looked good and interest credited was appropriate. It was nice.

Also, I discovered a novel way to obtain a premium exclusion amount for Meglo*Financial Group's consolidated investor financial supplement as it pertains to claim annuities. It was nice.

Then, after work, I beat up my boss in the parking lot. It was nice.

At home, I attempted some problems for my upcoming exam. I completed more per hour than I need to during the actual exam and got a sufficient number correct. It was nice.

After that, I drank some cream stouts and watched the Thrasher's beat the Whalercanes. It was nice.

Then, I watched the Florida Panthers beat the Tampa Bay Lightning, effectively clinching the division for the Thrashers. It was nice.

Then Logan pooped all over Michelle. Not me.

All in all, it was a nice day.

Good night.

Huh?

2007-03-29T12:00:00.001-04:00

I noticed on my visitor tracker that a lot of recent visits came from people searching for koala swimwear, as I recently named a post after that. If you've never seen a koala swimsuit, I suggest you check it out. Do an image search on Google and make sure the safe search is off. Try searching at work, or church, or when little children are nearby and paying 100% attention to what's on the computer screen. Better yet, check it out with your mom in the room.

SCRATCH THAT! Don't do any of that stuff! If you really must see a koala swimsuit, do it when no one is around, unless you want to get fired or arrested or slapped.

That brings up something that I always wonder about sometimes: How many inside jokes do I use on this blog that only a small handful of you readers actually know? I would guess almost every post has some joke in it that only one or two of the readers he actually understand. (Right, Sniffy?)

Or for that matter, how many of you actually even care? And why would I even think that any of you would want to read about me? Seriously, I suck. I'm only mildly handsome. I can't break a 4 minute mile. I can't quite benchpress 450 lbs. I can't even hit the high F in Minnie Riperton's Loving You. I don't do anything remotely important.

With YouTube: Broadcast Yourself ^TM, MySpace, me.com, and Windows Live Space, everybody in the world today thinks they are special and better than average. They also think that everyone else actually cares about what they think and have to say. Fooey!

You should stop reading this right now and go outside. One day you're going to die, but right before that happens, you'll think, "Sheesh, I wish I went outside instead of thinking I cared about what Mike was always doing sometimes. I am such a numbnuts."

Actually, don't stop reading just yet. Check out this guy first. He actually is doing something important and he actually is better than average. Plus, I think he can hit that high F.

It's got all the gizzards and buzzards...

2007-03-23T12:26:00.001-04:00

Since I work on the top floor of the massive Meglo*Life office building in the urban jungle that is Wheathog, CT, I often take the elevator up to my spacious 3,000 square inch cubicle after I workout out at lunch, lifting 588 ml water jugs. (Sometimes the jugs have soda in them, though.)

The other day I was going up and when I got to the top floor I noticed some ugly lady waiting to take the elevator down to the lobby. I saw her and she farted, which angered me, so I pushed all the floor buttons before I left the elevator car. Ha! Now TurtleBird has to stop at every floor. Lazy wench!

Later, I was going to take the elevator down, but as I was waiting, the door opened and TurtleBird walked out. I quickly ran away, I could tell she was working on another juicy one. I took the stairs down.

I left work because Michelle was in the neighborhood, so she called me, and we went out and I bought a new car.

Here's a picture of it.

That's me in the driver's seat with my driving gloves on!

It's kind of sad though. My old car, a 2000 Dodge Stratus SE, is still a nice car, and it runs great for me. I never had any major problems. The worse thing that happened was that the outside tierod ends broke on both sides of car within a year of each other. And that really wasn't a big deal to fix since my dad helped (i.e. I watched him fix them.)

Now I just need to find someone buy AKCFR from me for $64,565,468.98 or $3,500, whichever is closer to the actual price I'm selling it for ($3,501) without going over.

Hey, be sure to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. While you're at it, have your children spayed or neutered too. That'll control the population of people who are related to, and possibly just as ugly looking as, you.

I Like Cheese

2007-03-20T21:06:00.001-04:00

My son is pretty cool. He doesn't mind if I play drums and he actually likes it when I sing Tenacious D to him.

You should always read F Minus sometimes. It's about 50% as good as The Far Side was, but those 50% are pretty damn funny.

This comic, for example, is a great example of how art imitates life. It's about Logan.

Click on the comic a larger version.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Koala Swimwear

2007-03-01T22:35:00.002-05:00

I got some mail the other day. Besides fan mail, usually, my mail consists of bills (this kind of life is getting expensive, we know how to live baby...), beer brewing magazines, Toyfare, or junk for Logan. But the other day, I got this in the mail.

It's from Victoria's Secret, and it's for free panties, but it was addressed to me. So I went to Victoria's Secret to get my free panties. Hell, maybe Victoria's secret is that she has a penis just like I do.

So I go in and all the sales women avoid me at first. I'm sure caressing the nipples on the mannequin didn't help. After I showed them the free panty coupon, they seemed willing to help.

SALESLADY: What kind of panties would your wife like?

ME: My wife?

HER: Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you were wearing a wedding band and just assumed you were married.

ME: I am married.

HER: Well, then aren't you going to get her some panties?

ME: This is addressed to me. I'm here to get me some free panties.

HER: Uhh....I don't think it works that way.

(Her manager, also a women, comes over and askes if she can help.)

MANAGER: Can I help you sir?

ME: What size panty do you think I would wear?

MANAGER: Sir, sexual harassment is not tolerated here.

ME: What are you talking about? I got a coupon for free panties and I came to claim them.

MANAGER: Let me see that.

...

MANAGER: You must have purchased something here recently.

ME (as I begin to stroke mannequin nipples again): No. Never. I hate this store.

MANAGER: Then, I think it was a mistake that it was sent to you.

ME: So what? You're not going to honor it?

She looks at me puzzled.

ME: I need the number to a regional supervisor or something. And what's your name, expect to see this on channel 3's consumer protection news segment soon.

MANAGER: You can have the free panties. You pervert.

So, I'm a size XL. I only wore them once, though. You might think that I never meant to wear them, and I only did once out of principle, but that's not the case. I would have worn them all the time, I love free stuff. But they are very uncomfortable. I have to wear them backwards, or else I get man camel toe, but backwards, I get a constant wedgie. Stupid panties.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, then died of fox ass leakage disease

2007-02-06T21:44:00.001-05:00

I've been pretty lazy lately.

Oh, hold on a minute......ahh yeah..., I just peed my pants. No way I'm going to walk to the bathroom from here, or even finish this sen

Since I'm not going to post anything new for you knucklenutses...ses, here's some links to some of the best posts of the last two years.

- Allo, Hello, Hola, Grüß dich, Néih hóu,...
- Liberation Day!
- Wilderness Living...or How I learned to stop worrying and eat the steak tips.
- Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey
- A Great Joke
- Frisky Kitty?
- Wrinkly and senile
- I like cake now
- Monkeys in space
- Weather in New England
- ...I also have two nuts, not just one
- Always connected, just like the guy at Pantera Bread with the phone clipped to his ear while he ate breakfast with his wife, as if he was going to interrupt their nice morning together to talk on his cell phone. I wonder if he clips his home phone to head when he's at home, what a dickhead that asshole probably is.
- Sitting on her ass, eatting Bon bons

Bye now big floppy donkey!

I ate a pony for breakfast

2007-01-30T22:27:00.001-05:00

'Sup Bitch?

Fo' shizzle, two posts in two days... an owl and a bungee cord must be mixed!

I will watch this movie. Seriously.

This post has no flow

2007-01-28T00:34:00.001-05:00

I don't understand why everyone sends e-mail chain letters as attachments. If the words aren't there when I open the initial message, I most often hit delete. Which is really quite a shame. Who really knows what goodness the message might be sending. Hell, the other day I got an chain e-mail that Mother Theresa started in 1952! I didn't even think she did that sort of thing or that the internet and e-mail were around back then. Damn, Al Gore is older than I thought.

I noticed Michelle ordered some things from some places.

I see the confirmation e-mails in the in-box, among the chain letters about dying children and Hail Marys. I guess her new job is spending my money.

Some guy bought my old couch, i.e. MY old couch, for $150 and I told Michelle I need the money for important things like a new electric bass, or maybe candy and Batmen, but she says it's going towards the bill on the new couch she already bought that magically appeared at MY house (yeah, I'm borrower #1, technically the bank still owns my house) when I got home from work one day. (That was a long sentence.) I work and she eats Bon Bons all day.

I think she's been watching Oprah or some other daytime talk show. All hope I had of her one day getting off her ass again is gone now. Sheesh...

Gretchen Memorys is really beautiful, one day you'll see. And the Oilers won 4-3 so I can to bed now, but just who the fuck is Erlend Øye?

I think the worms in my head are finally starting to take majority control. Send transmission from the One Armed Scissor.

Hey, some advice if you want to be a better person: Don't steal pictures of your new football from other people's websites.

One time, at band camp, someone wrote me an e-mail and signed it with "piece." Piece of what? I still wonder...it keeps me awake at night. I was going to sign-off this post with that very word, but opted for something different.

Go Away.

Late Tuesday

2007-01-24T12:47:00.002-05:00

Late Tuesday is a three piece, all female band from Bellingham, Washington- a coastal city about 15 miles south of Vancouver, BC. Amidst, the folk-esque, pop rock music, the three ladies harmonize beautifully. While it's nothing special, there is a quality to their songs that makes them easy to listen to, and even enjoyable.

Some reviews claim they sound like the Indigo Girls. I really have no idea about that, but I do know that these chicks actually look like women (i.e. no mullets) and they're not even that bad looking at that.

They offer up some songs to listen to and download for free from there website, http://www.latetuesday.com/.

Apparently they play with a backup band, and every song I've heard offers more instruments than just guitar and piano (which the ladies play themselves.)

Their latest albums were released on the BlueTree Records label. I know some of their songs are available for purchase from iTunes, but I'm not sure if they are for sale at any of the record stores around the Northeast.

I think that a few of the people who might read this post would appreciate their music. They are worth checking out at least.

Seacrest, Out.

Letters are in words, (and bitches in my hot tub!!)

2007-01-10T20:50:00.001-05:00

So, we all know there are letters in words. Like the © in £ubb3® or the @ in §naffeckg.

But what about letters that sound like words. For example, if you say the letters MT it sounds like the word empty.

I can think of few, but I wonder how many we can come up with. Let's say that the words should be more or less regular words that you use everyday like higgagobbaboo! A few are a bit of a stretch, but I included them anyway because I can.

1 letter:
B = bee
C = sea, see
G = gee
I = eye
J = jay
P = pea
R = are
T = tea
U = you
Y = why

2 letters:
SA = essay
MT = empty
IV = ivy
EZ = easy
TP = tepee
BD = beady
OK = okay
ED = erectile disfunction
DK = decay
KG = cagey
NE = any
IC = icy
NV = envy
CD = seedy

3 or more letters:
NME = enemy
DVS = devious
SKP = escapee
TDS = tedious (a bit of a stretch)
XLNC = excellency

If we include numbers too, we can make even more words like B4 (before) and 4D (forty).

Give it a try.

I got a new Zildjian K Constantinople crash cymbal for Christmas!!

2006-12-31T21:54:00.001-05:00

So, when I came downstairs on Christmas morning, I noticed Santa brought me all sorts of things. He must have received my letter, because I got the crash cymbal I wanted! Sweet.

There was a buttload of presents under the tree:

You can almost see the cymbal wrapped up behind the baby.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. We got a baby boy for Christmas too. His name is Logan. I put him down by the road with the recycleables, but they didn't take him. Michelle called to complain and they said (this is an honest to goodness statement Paines said to her): "We will only take 1 knee high pile of cardboard per week."

What does that have to do with the baby?

Anyway, we decided to keep him around for a while to see how things go. Actually, I think we have to keep him. I guess the hospital has a 30 day trial period where they'll take him back no questions asked as long as we have the receipt. Well, guess who "lost" the receipt? Yup, that's right, Michelle did.

So anyway, Logan and I have been hanging out a little and I realized that he is actually pretty cool. He loves boobs, and he was saying how he thinks it's great that one day his Uncle Dave will get married in Massachusetts. Also, I've been teaching him how to play guitar. He's pretty good for a 9 day old.

He's showing off and playing with his eyes closed. (And only one hand: The guitar to tuned to open C.)

Yeah, he's not such a bad gift to get for Christmas. One day soon I'll have him mowing the lawn and raking leaves. That's going to be sweet, and by sweet, I mean totally awesome.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year. I might actually make it to midnight...maybe.

"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle

2006-12-16T21:29:00.001-05:00

So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.

Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.

1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)

2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:

............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)

I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.

3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.

4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:

"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."

When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:

"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."

I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.

Diagnosis: Nerder

2006-12-08T08:37:00.001-05:00

Last week, I wasn't feeling too well, so I headed to my doctor, Dr. Quinn, to see what was ailing me. She probed me over twice and came to the conclusion that I was nerdy. I couldn't believe it at first, but then she showed me this simple nerd test.

1. Do you own a video game system?
b- Do you own more than one?
c- Is any system more than 20 years old?

2. Do you have tee shirts with video game themes on them?

3. Do you own any "collectable action figures"?
b- Have you ever rummaged through a display at a store to obtain just the right figure?
c- Have you ever attended a tag sale looking to purchase "vintage" figures?

4. Do you read math books for leisure?

5. Do you watch NOVA on PBS?

6. Can you name the person who wrote the teleplay for the Star Trek episode, The Trouble with Tribbles?

7. Can you name a character from an Issac Asimov story?
b- Can you name more than five?

8. Are you a member of an internet discussion forum concerning robots, video games, math, or "collectible action figures"?

9. Have you ever played D&D?
b- Have you ever been the Dungeon Master?

10. Is the ratio of 'yes' answers to 'no' above greater than the ratio of the first palindrome prime number with an even number of digits to the first Fermet prime number? If so, you are a nerd.

I had 13 yes answers, (including #10) but only 3 no answers. How could this happen?! I'm too young to get afflicted with this. I'm not even 30 yet.

I'm now on a prescription of beer, mashed potatoes and girlie magazines, and I've been using a power tool of some kind every other day in order to cure myself.

Yo Ho Ho! It's officially Christmas season!

2006-11-25T21:23:00.001-05:00

My cousin Bobberto Rodriguez Phamingo Diego Martinez Montoya Lopez Gomez sent me a photo of me last year at our family Christmas party. This is when we were singing Christmas carols.

That reminded me to send a letter to Santa. I send him a letter every year. Actually, that's a slight exaggeration. I only wrote Santa once before, including this time. The following is an actual transcript of the actual letter.

Dear Santa,

'Sup bitch?

This year I have been particularly good. In case you were too busy eatting, you fat slob, here is a list of five of the many great things I have done so far:

1. I was awarded the Noble peace prize for literature for my short story, The Title of This Short Story is Actually the Entire Story.
2. I single-handedly saved three lives by performing colonoscopies on four elderly llamas. With my other hand, I delivered twins in a parked car in a traffic jam during rush hour. One of the twins, Handsome Awesomesky, is named after me.
3. I ate zucchini.
4. Figured out something to put in the space for #4 on the list of five great things I have done this year.
5. Won the inventor of the year award for coming up with a way to not be naked under my clothes.

So, as you clearly see, you should bring me these gifts. There are in no particular order. Some things on the list have links with more data, pictures, etc.

When H.A.R.L.I.E. Was One by David Gerrold - This is a sci-fi novel. I'd like a new (as in not used) copy, hardcover if it was even printed in hardcover. Good luck finding this.

An 18" K Constantinople Crash Cymbal - You can learn about this cymbal here and purchase it here. I'll need a good, double braced, boom cymbal stand for this as well.

Star Wars Battlefront II for Playstation 2

Lego Bricks -
- 2 X 4 Black Plates
- 1 X 6 Black Plates
- 1 X 6 White plates
- Assorted Jumper Plates
- 2 X 2 Smooth Top (SNOT) Plates

50 Lbs. of Domestic 2-Row Pale Malt - Unmilled

A Home Cheapo gift certificate so I can buy things I want without Michelle telling me I don't need it.

Tools
- 6" or 8" C-clamp (not a cheesy Hell*Mart version)
- 18" bar clamp/spreader (IRWIN makes some good clamps)
- 24" Pipe clamp (try Pony)
- A Stanley carpenter's square like this one.

A Minus the Bear CD other than Menos El Oso, which I already own.

Korg Chromatic Tuner - the one in the link exactly.

A 14" Evans Genera Coated Snare Drum Batter Head. After rocking like John Bonham for 10 months on my old drumhead, the top ply finally cracked. Now I need a new one.

I could also use a good 8' step ladder.

This Thrashers shirt, in XL because I'm fat.

That's all I can think of now. Maybe Michelle knows something else I might deserve.

Thanks Santa!

Love,
Mike

PS If you read this blog Santa, please share this wishlist with anyone who might buy me presents.

I've sold out to the man

2006-11-16T20:26:00.001-05:00

Well, I finally gave in and put a video on my blog. I didn't make this, but it's still cool. (Hey, sometimes other people get lucky and do cool things too.)

Enjoy!

Balance of Power

2006-11-11T09:42:00.001-05:00

Today is veteran's day. My father and my brother are veterans, and Smigeon is also a vet.
Thank you all.

Last weekend, Andre finished the NYC marathon within an hour of Lance Armstrong, just like he hoped he would. Good for him. I was thinking of running in the marathon too, but then I remembered God invented cars so we didn't have to run places. He wants us to drive, it helps us keep our bodies from harm.

With the Democratic take over in Congress, big companies, like Meglo*Life here in Homer Simpson, CT, are wondering if the new lawmakers will crack down on business practices and such. To be completely honest, Meglo*Life is actually pretty good and we try to be honest whenever it behooves us. (Hell, we can't be any worse then the big pharmaceticals, or Ralph Nader...)

Anyway though, we've been working on improving our projection of future lifetimes, since that will effect our reserving and prices. One of the side effects of this is that we can not only predict what people will need in the future (medical needs, financial needs, etc.) we also get a good idea of what people will look like in the future too.

I decided to run the new model for a friend of mine, Will. Currently, he's a high risk individual based on his flambuoyant lifestyle and ultra-tight European jeans.

Here's how he looks now:

And, according to the model, if he continues to live the way he does, here's what Will will look like at age 55:

Pretty amazing huh?

They're alive!!!!

2006-10-30T13:04:00.001-05:00

I thought with halloweiner fast approaching, I'd do something scary...so here's a picture of my balls....!!!

You are sick for highlighting this area hoping to see a picture of my balls

Nahh... I'm just kidding with you.

You know, I like music. I like it a lot. In fact, listening to music (and most likely, playing it too) is something I do every day. The only other things I do each day are eat, breathe and shit. (Oh shit!, this blog is not PG anymore...)

So. I was thinking about bands I'd never want to see live (that's what I was always doing sometimes, especially at work) and I realized that of all my favorite bands, only two of them I'd actually enjoy seeing live: Minus the Bear, and Jimmie's Chicken Shack.

Now, you know (since you care immensely about me and what I find awesome, (why else would you visit this blog instead of going outside to play or kissing your wife(or domestic partner, you homo))) [triple parnethesises outside of mathematics!?, how unorthodox...now the sentence that last left off with "Now, you know..." begins again] that I like crazy (also commonly known to few as creative, talented and ass-kicking) bands like Bjork, Radiohead, The Sound of Animals Fighting, The Fall of Troy, and The Mars Volta, but those three bands are three bands I think I would pee pee or poo poo in my pants at. That's what's really scary: Bjork running around stage with a penguin on as she sings Where is the Line? and Mike Patton beat-boxes away ("What is it?!") They are totally nuts and make 3 minute songs into 45 minute songs. This is usually only cool from their perspective.

The bands I most enjoy live are actually bluegrass and no name jazz bands, and for one simple reason: they actually are good musicians. One time, I was wandering around Boston with my subordinate Michelle, and we happened upon some really great jazz. We listened all night, along with a few martinis. It was great. And who can rule out an awesome show in a barn on the property of the doctor who delivered you from evil (ha ha! I get it) where the bluegrass flows like wine and you can trip the mandolin player if you really wanted to.

Yeah. Music is listenable. I'd give it a shot if I were you and you've missed out so far.

Now stop reading this and go outside...one day you'll die and realize you didn't get enough sun.

New Job

2006-10-23T09:13:00.001-04:00

Not for me. I still work as a senior vice junior duke associate brigadier admiral of production at Meglo*Life. But today is Michelle's first day in her new job: Domestic Engineer.

I know some of you have no idea what it is that a domestic engineer does, so I figured I include a link to the American Society of Domestic Engineer.

htp://www.domesticengineersofamerica.orge/rules_fo_de_biotches

I think this is an exciting career change for her and hope it brings her an interesting challenge.

IV

2006-10-18T18:30:00.001-04:00

When our story is told,
people will grow warm in their hearts,
they will laugh, they will smile,
they will weep with joy,
and they will ask themselves,

“Why can’t my life be so happy?”

This is the story I want to tell
because if I do, they will surely fall in love with you,
just as I have,
and I do,
each day,
over
and over again.

Marshall Brain

2006-10-03T13:21:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you've heard of How Stuff Works. If not, you should check it out.

Anyway, the guy who started HowStuffWorks.com as a hobby back in 1998 is actually really named Marshall Brain. Weird huh? What's more, he's the kind of nut who thinks that by 2055 robots will have forced 50% of the US population into unemployment. It's always easy for the rich to be philanthropists and even easier for them to suggest you do the same.

But, while his ideas may seem a little out their, he's a smart guy and backs up all his ideas with statistical data, trended information and well thought out postulates.

Give it a read and then get out of the unskilled labor field.

Robotic Nation

4th Annual Short Course Invitational

2006-10-02T12:35:00.001-04:00

This past weekend we played the 4^th annual Northwestern Connecticut Short Course Invitational. Unfortunately, we played with the fewest golfers yet. I blame this on the fact that more people didn't play. Mark won with a 37, becoming the first player to win twice. He also had the fewest putts. I had the closest to the pin and purple monkey. Nate and Dan won nothing...Losers.

Next year, I'm going to explicitly plan the event as a golf tournament and dinner to follow so people can't cheese out of attending the after party because their wife wants them to finish remodeling the bathroom. Next year, if you don't attend the award ceremony, you get no awards, and your score is disqualified, and everyone else shall call you 'Nancy' or 'Sissy Boy', or 'P*ssy Whipped'. Ha! When Michelle tells me to paint the ceiling or fix the shelves in the pantry, I say, "Get in the kitchen and bake me a chicken pot pie!" She always listens 'cause she knows what's good for her.

Next year, I'll strategically plan my child's baptism on the same weekend as the golf tournament, so when people come to the state for the baby, I can make them play golf too. I will tell them that they can only show they care about the baby by playing golf and if they don't play golf, they shouldn't bother coming to the baptism, but instead, just give me the presents for the baby then go home, because they obviously don't really care--those heartless bastards.

Yeah, that'll be cool.

Speaking of babies, Randy has one now. I thought he was going to be named Marmaduke or Mashed Potatoes but they named him Ryan. That's too bad, Mashed Potatoes is an awesome name. I guess this little guy will have to get the extra 20% of awesomeness some other way. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Where's Anne?

2006-09-28T12:25:00.001-04:00

Huh?

Dog turd

2006-09-27T17:06:00.001-04:00

Immeasurable and unknown are the requests to cease the obtainment of knowledge strictly for the purpose of displaying loosely a marginal grasp of concept and understanding. My desires lie wholly and unequivocally on emotional insistence of which my energies be spent with pen to paper such that my lips might grace your ears, and perhaps most importantly, your imaginations, with accounts of wonder, amazement and perils unidentified to us in our ordinary lives. Solemnly, I yearn the capability to prohibit the prerequisite of fiscal responsibility. How I long for the days in-between then and now to move in haste. This is the end I arduously engage in. I pledge this to you.

How I spent my evening yesterday

2006-09-13T09:11:00.001-04:00

What did you do?

Officially Autumn

2006-09-07T23:35:00.001-04:00

NFL football began tonight.

I know some people think college football is real football, and I'm slowly warming up to it, but unlike the NBA, no college team could hold a candle to even the worse NFL team. Never. Ever. Period. You can debate it all you want, but you simply have no weiner, so eat turds.

Watching only mere minutes of the game, I can tell Pittsburgh will not repeat as champs unless God wants them too. They are barely, and luckily, beating the lowly Miami Dolphins (yes, the dolphins still suck ass, if they can't whump up a Rothlisberger-less and Hines Ward-less Pittsburgh, they still suck.. If the Steelers go more then 3 weeks without those two they should lose at least 3 more games.)

The other big game this week is Manning vs. Manning. The Giants versus the Colts. First off, the Colts, even with Eli Manning as QB should beat the Giants, even if the Giants had Peyton as their QB. That being said, I am routing for the Giants because, 1. I like them, 2. The Colts are a false favorite-they always lose when it matters most.

Is it just me, or is Peyton Manning in a lot of commericals now? He's pretty col loooking (oh, look at that, one of the o's from cool made it's way into looking). He reminds me of Tom Miller. Maybe it's because both of them could punch right through my face easily.

I wish I was athletic. I barely even suck at sports. Maybe I'll get good at golf. Too bad video game sports don't count...oh wait, I suck at those too.

The nothing is coming.

2006-08-31T17:07:00.001-04:00

Vacation is 9 days away. I can't wait. I will relax, and write stories and hunt buffalo in the nude.

I think I'm most looking forward to nothing.

Really. Nothing.

Doing nothing. Watching nothing. Thinking about nothing.

It'll be great. I'll wake up in the morning wearing nothing. Then I'll go for a jog, because everyone knows, the three most important days of the year to actually exercise are the first three days of vacation. I'll try to find a busy road to run the wrong way on, running inside of the white line, and crossing streets without looking. That's fun stuff.

I plan on not planning anything for vacation, but since I planned on that, I actually let myself down. I hate it when I'm actually able to do as I planned, which was to not plan, but since I did plan on not planning, I actually wasn't able to do as I planned. Geez... good thing I wasn't planning on thinking.

Maybe I'll play golf too. I like golf. Golf is a fun sport.

I like chips.

Bill and Sue, July 8th 1997

2006-08-04T12:04:00.001-04:00

Here at Meglo*Life, we have bulletin boards throughout the building for the employees to use. People can create ads for things for sale, carpooling, free stuff, etc. They get updated every 2 weeks or so.

The other day, I noticed one announcement where someone was looking for a lost men's wedding band, with the names and wedding date engraved on it. So I called the number up and a guy answered.

GUY: Hello?

ME: Hey there. I think I found your lost wedding band.

GUY: Really? That's great! I was afraid my wife was going to kill me... (chuckles a little)

ME: Sue?

GUY: What?

ME: Your wife, Sue?

GUY: Uh...

ME: Sue was going to kill you?

GUY: (silence)

ME: Anyway I have your ring. "Bill and Sue, July 8th, 1997"

GUY: My wife's not named Sue.

ME: Then why do you have "Sue" engraved on your wedding band?

GUY: It's obviously not my wedding band.

ME: Oh, geez. Sorry, I'm a little dense today. No wonder you sounded confused. I'm sorry.

GUY: That's alright. It's weird that some other guy also lost his ring.

ME: Yeah, and as coincidences go, this guy has the same anniversary as me. (laughing a little)

GUY: Oh wow, really? Isn't that something!

ME: And my wife's name is Sue, too!

GUY: Huh?

ME: What a minute, this is my ring! Good thing I didn't lose it like some kinda knucklehead. My wife would kill me.

GUY: You know, you're a real ass.

More fun here, here, here, or here.

Yo Joe!

2006-07-27T22:51:00.001-04:00

Shit.

I had heard of You Tube before, but never checked it out until my pal dMANb sent me a link to a video on that site. Not only is the site mostly crap, but it's also mostly copyright infringement. Regardless of that though, it has some freakin' funny stuff. I was able to find all sorts of crazy crapsticks GI Joe public service annoucements, reworked to be more accurate.

Here's an example:
Original here
Reworked here

Check them out, but don't bother if you never watched GI Joe, you'll miss most of the joke. This stuff never gets old.
And, remember knowing is half the battle.

GI Joe #1, "Look at your different colored hats!"
GI Joe #2, "You're not my friend."
GI Joe #3, "Holy Cow, I'm totally going so fast!"
GI Joe #4, "Pork Chop Sandwiches!"
GI Joe #5, "They wake the next day and they're on fire."
GI Joe #6, "Stop all the downloading!"
GI Joe #7, "Huh?"
GI Joe #8, "Who wants a body message?"
GI Joe #9, "Damn, these beats are so fresh!"
GI Joe #10, "We should totally hit it again."
GI Joe #11, I have no idea what they are saying but it's funny to laugh at people who are different then us

P.S. Don't watch these at work.
P.S.S. John DeStefano looks like a toad.
P.P.S.S Brewing this weekend, sweet.

I didn't win the Tour de France

2006-07-25T12:00:00.001-04:00

Last weekend, Michelle and I headed up to Boston for her birthday. I hoped we wouldn't get the same kind of heat we had the earlier part of the week. I'd have to bring a few extra shirts since I'd get all sweaty walking around. "Hot town, summer in the city, back of my neck get dirt and gritty..." It was really humid, but we still had a nice time. It rained a little too, but that's okay because, unlike the aliens in Signs, I'm not allergic to water. (Ha! Did I ruin the ending for you? You should have seen Signs long ago. Get with the times. Since then M. Night Shamalamadingdong has put out like 12 or 54 movies.)

If her birthday was only one week later, we'd have had the chance to see Gilbert Gottfried at the comedy connection in Boston. Too bad. He's funny. And ugly, but mostly funny. Okay. Actually, he's mostly ugly.

Before we left, I was riding my bike (a Trek 1500, carbon-titanium-adamantium alloy fork and spoon and frame, with Look carbon-based lifeform pedals, shimano-Ronco™ shifters and components, and a sweet hot pink, anus-master 3000 gel seat). I fell over after a squirrel ran out into the road, swinging a battle axe at me. I ripped my face off, but got a new one from Mel Gibson. Now I can read women's minds. So far most of them are saying, "My boobs have nipples." Here's a picture of my arm after the crash.

The pained look in my eye is because I just poured salt all over my arm. The wound looks like Italy because I'm half Italian. I'm also half Mexican, half Russian, and half & half with Equal. I did end up catching the squirrel. I ate his face off.

My pal Stan was only about 70 miles (instead of the usual 1200 miles), since he was at Cape Cod in Massachusetts. He was there with his mom and dad and some other family. Too bad we couldn't have found a way to hook up somewhere. Oh well.

Speaking of polacks, here's the big news from Goshen (pronounced like Gosh-in, absolutely not like Go-shin, no way). Big news in a small town. Whoopee! Losers...

Sounds are hearable...unless you're deaf

2006-07-18T12:15:00.001-04:00

'Sup Bitch?

Remember that, huh? huh?

I haven't played guitar as much as I used to. I blame Michelle, because she let me get a drumset. Now, the only regular guitar playing I do is in bed before I fall asleep, and even then I have to listen to Michelle grumbling at me to quiet down. I should practice more, though the other day, I played the first lead part of Metallica's One fairly well. Then a string broke on Leroy, so I had to play Gunther, my metal guitar. I guess that's more fitting, since when they recorded One, Metallica was still a metal band. I used to want to have 1 milion guitars to play everyday, but now, I just want one more, a Martin D-28. Someday...

Once before, I talked about how my list of the best songs ever is getting out of date. It's not that those songs aren't good anymore, it's just that I hear new songs that I never heard before until I heard them, and I like them a lot, or a little or not all at, or somewhere in between. I listen to music a lot, except when I'm not. Here's some for you to try to find so you can hear them too, if you listen, and aren't deaf. Don't be surprised if you didn't like any of this. Not everyone can be as cool as me.

Minus the Bear - This Ain't a Surfin' Movie
The drum beat during the verse seems simple, but keeping straight quarter notes on the hi-hats over the kick and snare line is not easy. This song reminds me of summer and chilling out and firing bottle rocket's at small children. Well, not the last one, I guess. This song can be heard here. Just press the right arrows until you get to the This Ain't a Surfin' Movie. I actually bought this album, and this band has become one of my new favorites. Seriously, they rock my world.

Say Anything - Alive With the Glory of Love
This type of music would typically fall into my catch all category: crappity crap. But this song isn't too bad. It's basically a love song, but not really a ballad. It reminds me of a few stories I'm writting that are about love-sort of. (Sidenote: Man, I need to write more often. I forgot how much fun it is.) Anyway, you can hear this song on the band's website. Click the band's name above.

The Maple State - We Swear By The Light Life
Four Britons, probably with pretty faces and bad teeth. They sound good, and I've only heard a rough demo quality mix of this song. Interesting drum beats, good blend of keys and guitar and mildly pleasing lyrics. Almost sounds like something from the 80's. You can hear it here last time I checked.

Death by Stereo - Unstoppable
Death by Stereo is a band that gets me so pumped up. They have freakin' sweet ass drum beats, awesomely powerful guitar riffs, sweet solos, and ear-blistering vocals. In fact, the other day, I was listening to them and I got so pumped up that I went outside and chopped a tree down. With my wiener. Then I ate the whole thing, including the squirrels that were living in it. Damn, that was sweet! Hardcore metal reminds me of a dude taking a crap that's sort of stuck. Yeah! Plus, the drummer of this band went to my high school. I used to beat him up with my sideburns, that's probably why he plays drums so pissed off-ish. (Na, I'm just kidding, I never beat him up. He was a few grades ahead of me. I think I saw him in the halls once. I think his name is Elmer, or Rufus, or something.) Hear some of their songs at this site.

Late Tuesday - Simply Beautiful
These are three chicks with a back-up band. I think the gals play guitar and piano too. They sing nice and it brings out the softer side of Mike. The side that doesn't ninja old ladies too hard and doesn't throw chipmunks at the birds at the birdfeeder. If yoo go to their site, you can click on their media player in the top right corner and hear some of their songs, including Simply Beautiful, which, when you hear it, you agree, was written about me.

Smell ya later.

The wild life in town is getting too close for comfort

2006-07-10T20:32:00.001-04:00

There are all sorts of wild life that we've seen since we've moved to Homer Simpson, CT. In Shelbyville, we lived in a little condo, surrounded by asphalt and buildings. Now we are surrounded by trees, grasses, and wild animals, crikey. "Watch as I tea..." (I get the joke, if you do too, you are cool, maybe.)

So, last year, a bear came up and had a few brews with me. And then, throughout the spring, we had bunnies eatting our grass. This is a shot I got with our nightvision camera (that's why it's a little grainy) of a wild bunny eatting our grass.

You can see the crazed look in it's eye. And check out how much grass he's eatten already!

Here's another bunny that I was able to get a picture of during the day.

Then a week ago, a cougar took a crap on my rock wall.

Now there is all sorts of little frogs climbing on my house. I think they are ninjas, but I'm not really sure. This is a really picture of a real life frog.

Then it hopped on my hand...

It climbed up my arm...

And it hopped up my back...

Immediately after this picture was taken, the frog hopped on my head and bit my ear off. No wonder the bunnies aren't in our yard anymore...these crazy frogs ate them all. Now everyone at work calls me Vah Gogh, but now I can save money on earplugs when I play drums, since a standard pack will last twice as long.

We even have a snake living under a bush in the front of the house. One time I fed him some beer. He was slithering this way and that. He was all f&#ked up.

Michelle names all the creatures in our yard. The bunnies are named Marvin, Chiclettes, and Skittles. The cougar is named T.A.N.C.I.C (There Are No Cougars In Connecticut, according to the DEP.) The snake is named Squiggles, and every single frog is named Jubei.

I named the cow we had in our yard too. It was named steak tips. Yum!

Minus the Bear

2006-07-07T13:15:00.003-04:00

Minus the Bear is a rock-type, indie band from Seattle, Washington. For some reason, all the music I find for this site comes from the west coast.

They have been around since 2001, but I recently heard about them after they released their 5^th album, Menos el Oso.

They write good stuff with nice drum beats, interesting guitar riffs, and clever song names such as Hey! Is that a Ninja Up there? or Lemurs, Man, Lemurs. the only thing lacking a bit is the vocalist. It's not too bad, but it took be a little while to get used to the drab tone and barely minuscule amount of infection in his voice. Still, it's nice music to listen to. I've been listening to it a lot lately.

Borrowing their idea, click on these symbols to hear some music of theirs: %$...$%#$"$^*!))))("""" , or click on these crazy words to hear other stuff by them: booble huncha huncha!

Echo, (echo),(echo)

2006-07-07T13:15:00.002-04:00

People who know me tend to know my name. If you're the revisiting, casual blog surfer, you've probably already figured out my name is Mike. For many years in a row, Michael has been in the top 10 most popular baby names. It makes sense since it is a cool name and people named Michael are smart, funny, witty and incredibly handsome. (Can you remember that chick named Michael? She was handsome too.) The fact that Michael is such a popular name is evident here at Meglo*Life since, in my department alone, there are 4 people, including me, named Mike.

The other day, I walked into the men's room to empty my bladder. As I walked in, I passed by another Mike washing his hand's at the sink. I said hello and headed to the urinal. At the urinal next me is another one of the Mike's. I said hi to him too. When I finished up, I washed my hands, because hand washing is the best way to prevent the spread of disease, and just then, the fourth Mike walked in. I said hello to him too. It went something like this:

Me (nodding my head): Mike

Mike: Mike

Me: Mike

Mike (to me): Mike

Mike (to Mike): Mike

Mike: Mike, hi.

Mike: Mike

Me: Mike

Mike: Hey Mike.

Mike: Mike

Mike: Mike.

Okay, that didn't really happen. But there are four Mike's where I work. Honestly, I hope that never does happen. I think if it were to occur, the universe might end.

All in one minute...

2006-06-25T11:10:00.001-04:00

Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh.

I don't know if you counted or not, but there's 173 there. They are heartbeats. Not mine, not Michelle's either. They belong to the little baby growing in her belly.