Friday Five 12/07/07
Fortunately, Meglo*Life is a large enough company that I often overhear people saying stupid and/or funny things. Unfortunately though, I am also exposed to lots of idiots.
Five things I wish I could say to people at work, but I won't, based on past experiences.
1. As two women stop to chat in the middle of the hall:
"Hey, I have an idea for you?! Why don't you just stop to talk right in the middle of the hall? People love it when you get in their way! We really have nowhere else to go, and walking around your stupid asses helps us burn extra calories. You should get some kind of fitness-helper award. Hooray for you. Idiots."
2. As the elevator is about to close and someone (who is not handicap or 400 lbs) holds it up, only to get on to ride up one floor:
"Good thing the elevator is here for you, or else, how would you get your lethargic ass to your desk. Sloth nuts."
3. To the guy who cleverly backs his car into the 'Motorcycle only' parking spaces, narrowly missing other parked cars and two huge cement posts designed to prevent cars from parking there:
"Hey asshole, see those two huge cement posts and the sign that says 'Motorcycle parking only?' That means your crusty ass, 3 cyclinder, spray paint black and Bondo® gray colored, 1989 Toyota Celica, which must have a hole in the muffler, isn't supposed to park there, you inconsiderate, lazy shit."
4. To the lady who uses speaker phone to call, and talk to, her assistant (who sits 15 feet away):
"Here's a megaphone. Pinch your noise when you use it: Your grating voice isn't quite loud or annoying enough. I'm glad the world revolves around you. Seriously, your arm wattle is hot."
5. To the guy who walks across the building, (with a print out of a vague exhibit he asked me to fill out with ambiguous directions), to tell me a different number belongs in the "other" category:
"Oh I know it's wrong. I filled in the 'other' number wrong on purpose. I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to: a.) print out the exhibit, write the correct numbers on it in ink, and walk over here instead of emailing it to me, and b.) too dumb to just fill in the correct number on an exhibit I couldn't care two donkey craps about. Guess what? You passed, you are truly a moron. I still can't figure out how you manage to get your pants on in the morning."
Someone once said I was sarcastic. Or did they say I was just a jerk?
Five things I wish I could say to people at work, but I won't, based on past experiences.
1. As two women stop to chat in the middle of the hall:
"Hey, I have an idea for you?! Why don't you just stop to talk right in the middle of the hall? People love it when you get in their way! We really have nowhere else to go, and walking around your stupid asses helps us burn extra calories. You should get some kind of fitness-helper award. Hooray for you. Idiots."
2. As the elevator is about to close and someone (who is not handicap or 400 lbs) holds it up, only to get on to ride up one floor:
"Good thing the elevator is here for you, or else, how would you get your lethargic ass to your desk. Sloth nuts."
3. To the guy who cleverly backs his car into the 'Motorcycle only' parking spaces, narrowly missing other parked cars and two huge cement posts designed to prevent cars from parking there:
"Hey asshole, see those two huge cement posts and the sign that says 'Motorcycle parking only?' That means your crusty ass, 3 cyclinder, spray paint black and Bondo® gray colored, 1989 Toyota Celica, which must have a hole in the muffler, isn't supposed to park there, you inconsiderate, lazy shit."
4. To the lady who uses speaker phone to call, and talk to, her assistant (who sits 15 feet away):
"Here's a megaphone. Pinch your noise when you use it: Your grating voice isn't quite loud or annoying enough. I'm glad the world revolves around you. Seriously, your arm wattle is hot."
5. To the guy who walks across the building, (with a print out of a vague exhibit he asked me to fill out with ambiguous directions), to tell me a different number belongs in the "other" category:
"Oh I know it's wrong. I filled in the 'other' number wrong on purpose. I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to: a.) print out the exhibit, write the correct numbers on it in ink, and walk over here instead of emailing it to me, and b.) too dumb to just fill in the correct number on an exhibit I couldn't care two donkey craps about. Guess what? You passed, you are truly a moron. I still can't figure out how you manage to get your pants on in the morning."
Someone once said I was sarcastic. Or did they say I was just a jerk?
Labels: friday five, i'm angry, idiots
2 Comments:
you could have put one more,
6. to the guy who got me all happy thinking Santa got my address mixed up and delivered Martin D28 to the office. election yard signs can be wrapped to look like a guitar.
I would have truly appreciated it if you had wrapped the sign up like a guitar. Hell, I might even have voted for that guy.
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