Facebutt

I would consider joining facebook if it were more like this here.

N1E1R1D2

Authors note: I wanted to name this article T₁E₁O₁P₃A₁N₁S₁, but Blogger limits the post title to 39 characters, and including the code to make the little sub numbers includes more than 39 characters. Please pretend the post is titled T₁E₁O₁P₃A₁N₁S₁

We recently changed our cable policy so we no longer have Skinamax. While I am deeply saddened by this, the $40 per month we are no longer spending on TV will be used to buy me a chainsaw so I can carve those stupid bears out of wood. Fortunately, I still have most of the channels I watch and pretty much all of the HD channels I watch (which is mostly the sports channels).

One time I was channel surfing through the sports channels and stumbled across the Scrabble championship. Scrabble is not a sport. What a waste of my time. Sure, I like playing Scrabble, I also like dropping a good deuce once in a while too, but I don't want to see the national crapping championship on ESPN2 (aptly named ESPN2, I might add). The winner won by spelling Teopans, a type of dwelling for Indians I think.

So last night, I happened to channel surfing and stumbled upon the spelling bee on ABC. I actually watched it for 5 minutes or so and saw the winner correctly spell Laseodmmriand, or something like that.

With that kind of spelling aptitude, she could go on to be a future Scrabble champion and we could someday be watching her take a dump on ESPN2. Just imagine all the nice things she could buy with the $250 champion's prize money she could get if she does win the Scrabble championship. What an athlete!

To close, I would normally stick with my favorite closing, 'Suck it Trebek", but I think in this case, it's more appropriate to end with,
Squeeze it easy.

Recent Idiot Sighting

Idiots are still everywhere...

I imagine this is part of the language in the lawsuit:

"I didn't follow the directions, and things didn't turn out as I wanted, so it's their fault. I am a fartknocker."



Link here (or click above pic for larger image)

Give me money, please

Times are tough here at Meglo*Life. Just the other day I got an e-mail that told me to refrain from using the color printer, unless it absolutely necessary. Now I have to look at grayscale pictures of the miniature LEGO cities I printed. It's not very nice looking at all. At least I can still use the glossy paper.

At the same time, we kicked off the annual Ewe Knighted Weigh campaign. Even though the company's trying to save money, I understand the need to give, and I'm glad that the company encourages philanthropy. So far I've donated a sum of money equal to e ^(i*π) +1, which is quite a lot, when you consider that both, the number e, and the number π go on forever. Seriously, they do.

The company's really diligent about informing us about this opportunity to give. In the men's room in the area I work (one of at least twelve) there are 8 color printed 8.5" by 11" flyers telling me to donate. Since there are at least 24 bathrooms in total for both genders, does that mean that there are 192 color copies? (But I have to print black and white pictures of miniature LEGO Star Wars ships I found on the internet?!) And that doesn't count the color printouts in the halls. Or the other buildings Meglo*Life uses. Plus, someone had to hang them all up. Was his/her time donated. If they are an employee, did they stay late to get their regular work done? Were they hired to hang up the color printouts? Did Staples or Office Depot donate the color toner cartridges for the printing or do the printing for the campaign for free?

I wonder what the net effect of the campaign is when you figure in lost productivity and cost of materials, (including the glossy donators pamphlet proclaiming the biggest donors, "Gold Members" or something like that.)

I decided to donate my money to the Wall Street bailout instead. Well, actually, I didn't decide, someone else decided for me, and he probably doesn't even know as much as I know about finance (which is slightly more than e ^(i*π) +1), but he probably has gray hair, old balls, and a lot more money than me, so he must understand better than I.

Friday Five 12/07/07

Fortunately, Meglo*Life is a large enough company that I often overhear people saying stupid and/or funny things. Unfortunately though, I am also exposed to lots of idiots.

Five things I wish I could say to people at work, but I won't, based on past experiences.

1. As two women stop to chat in the middle of the hall:

"Hey, I have an idea for you?! Why don't you just stop to talk right in the middle of the hall? People love it when you get in their way! We really have nowhere else to go, and walking around your stupid asses helps us burn extra calories. You should get some kind of fitness-helper award. Hooray for you. Idiots."

2. As the elevator is about to close and someone (who is not handicap or 400 lbs) holds it up, only to get on to ride up one floor:

"Good thing the elevator is here for you, or else, how would you get your lethargic ass to your desk. Sloth nuts."

3. To the guy who cleverly backs his car into the 'Motorcycle only' parking spaces, narrowly missing other parked cars and two huge cement posts designed to prevent cars from parking there:

"Hey asshole, see those two huge cement posts and the sign that says 'Motorcycle parking only?' That means your crusty ass, 3 cyclinder, spray paint black and Bondo® gray colored, 1989 Toyota Celica, which must have a hole in the muffler, isn't supposed to park there, you inconsiderate, lazy shit."

4. To the lady who uses speaker phone to call, and talk to, her assistant (who sits 15 feet away):

"Here's a megaphone. Pinch your noise when you use it: Your grating voice isn't quite loud or annoying enough. I'm glad the world revolves around you. Seriously, your arm wattle is hot."

5. To the guy who walks across the building, (with a print out of a vague exhibit he asked me to fill out with ambiguous directions), to tell me a different number belongs in the "other" category:

"Oh I know it's wrong. I filled in the 'other' number wrong on purpose. I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to: a.) print out the exhibit, write the correct numbers on it in ink, and walk over here instead of emailing it to me, and b.) too dumb to just fill in the correct number on an exhibit I couldn't care two donkey craps about. Guess what? You passed, you are truly a moron. I still can't figure out how you manage to get your pants on in the morning."

Someone once said I was sarcastic. Or did they say I was just a jerk?

Recent Idiot sighting

Idiots are everywhere.

#1
I can hear it now:
"9-1-1. What is your emergency?"

"uh...I'm still thirsty."



Link here (or click above pic for larger)


#2



Link here (or click above pic for larger)

Making new friends

Hi there.


Long time, no see.

In some other post I'll tell you some things I've been doing.

So, here's a question for you: Wouldn't you think that helping someone out is a good way to make them a friend?

It's not. I'll tell you how I tried to help someone out, and how it didn't make them my friend.

Meglo*Life has one entrance that can pretty busy in the morning when people come to work. It''s shaped sort of like the picture below.



I drive in from the right side of the picture and turn left to get into the parking lot. There is a light there.

The people coming in from the left side (turning right into the parking lot) have a yield sign. I would guess it's so that people turning left into the parking lot don't have to yield, and they can therefore pull fully into the driveway to Meglo*Life, and out of the flow of traffic on route 10.

The other day, as I was pulling in, the guy in front of people decided to let someone coming for the other direction go. He failed to notice that they had a yield sign and that I was stopped with my car poking out into route 10.

I followed the guy's car as he parked and finally caught up to him in the building. I wanted to help him realize why there is a yield sign for traffic turning right into the parking lot. I also figured it was s good time to make a new friend in the process.

ME: Hey there.

HIM: Uh..hi.

ME: I noticed you let someone coming into the parking lot go, even though they have a yield sign.

HIM: Yeah, the line of cars turning in was long, so I figured I'd be nice.

ME: Was it really that nice? My car was sticking into the road, so I was impeding the progress of traffic on route 10. You knowingly chose to not follow the posted signs, so that cars on route 10 had to stop because you're an idiot. That's not nice at all.

HIM: blink blink

ME: I'm just trying to help you out. There's no reason for you to be a moron. The yield sign is there for a reason and when you yield instead of them, you defeat the purpose of the sign, and cause further delays, and possible dangerous accidents.

HIM: blink blink

ME: Maybe you could take a driving class of something. That would help you not drive like a assmunch.

HIM: eyes get wide

ME: Hey, want to got out for lunch today? I'll drive, okay?

HIM: No. Leave me alone, please.

Then he got in the elevator. He probably was only going to the second floor, lazy sonabitch.

Some people are so ungrateful.

Modern Times

Here's an exerpt from the wikipedia (known for it's lies and falsities) article on my home town, HomerSimpson, CT:


"HomerSimpson is a town in Litchfield County, Connecticut. The population was 3,494 at the 2000 census. HomerSimpson was named after HomerSimp, the Greek playwright who wrote the tragedy Al Gore. HomerSimpson is known for it's magestic forests, exotic wildlife and cool residents, such as Mike and Logan. "

While that bit has some misstatements, it's generally, true, especially the part about the forests. From my house, I can barely see the sky through the leafy canopy. For the most part, that's a good thing, as it adequately hides my stills and weapons of mass destruction. But, this past week, it proved to be a nuisance.

We pay Charter (the only game in town) about $5,328.97 a month for cable and high speed internet. It recently increased with the addition of HDTV service. Michelle seemed to think that the money would be better used to buy me a Martin D28 or something, so she looked into satellite service.

It looked like a great deal:
- 30 HD channels, not the measly 10 that Charter has
- 200+ channels, including Sport South, the channel showing the Thrashers games
- $60 savings per month, including phone and DLS internet.

They mailed us a DLS modem and I installed it fairly easily on Thursday, and we were going good. Friday they were scheduled to come and install the dish, and then bam!, I spend the entire summer inside watching high def sports. Sweet deal.

Then things went crappy.

Dish Network contracts out the installation of the dish. The tech was supposed to come between 8 AM and noon on Friday. At 8:30 AM, Michelle got a call that they'd be late, but there between noon and 1 PM. No big deal.

Noon, no tech. 1 PM, no tech. 2 PM, no tech. 3 PM, no tech. We hadn't heard anything from them, so Michelle started calling to see what was going on. She was on the phone (or on hold) with Dish Network and the installation contracters back and forth for 2 hours. Still no word on where the tech was and when he'd get to the house.

Then, at 5:05 PM, the phone rings. I answered it because Michelle was feeling the opposite of not pissed off.


GUY: Hi, This is John, the tech. I'm running late.

ME: No shit. I realized that when you didn't show up at 1.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 2.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 3.

ME: I realized it again when you didn't show up at 4.

ME: Then I realized it again when you didn't show up at 5.

GUY: Sorry, I had....(insert excuses I really don't care about here.) I'll be there soon.

ME: No, We're leaving at 5:30. Get here first thing tomorrow morning.

GUY: Um, the contractor has jobs scheduled for me tomorrow. You'd have to call them to get them to have me come out there tomorrow.

ME: You suck.


It wasn't exactly like that, but that's the gist of it.

So Michelle calls the contractor and they tell her that he called to say he would be late and that we were making the decision to cancel the scheduled install on Friday. She, nicely, pointed out that telling us he's running late 4 hours after he was supposed to be here is not our decision to cancel the scheduled installation. Then he told her they could not come Saturday, and would have to come out on Tuesday. She tells the guy he's an idiot and then we re-schedule for Tuesday morning, since "the job takes 5 hours," and we had to leave the house at noon on Saturday anyway, effectively not giving the tech enough time to do the entire install on Saturday, even if he could make it out then.

Pause: The job takes 5 hours?! So the monkeynuts was going to show up at 5:30 PM and stay until 10:30 PM climbing around our house? Funk that. Idiots...

So anyway, Michelle tells the contractor we'll let Dish Network know that they contract jobs out to morons, and we expect some sort of reconciliation for the inconvenience of having to talk to these buffoons. The guy tells her that Dish Network will likely oblige (i.e. He knows he's a dunce.)

Now fast forward to Tuesday.

At 8:07 AM, the tech arrives, and tests for an adequate signal reaching the house.

Can you guess what he said?





Can you?




We don't have an area on our house that will receive a direct enough signal. We could stick the dish on a 6' pole on the roof, and that might work, but a normal installation might be iffy. He's leery of installing everything to only find out it doesn't come in well. He wants us to get a second opinion, which means scheduling a different imbecile to come back at a different time.

Yeah...



Needless to say, I'm watching Charter cable tv tonight.

It's got all the gizzards and buzzards...

Since I work on the top floor of the massive Meglo*Life office building in the urban jungle that is Wheathog, CT, I often take the elevator up to my spacious 3,000 square inch cubicle after I workout out at lunch, lifting 588 ml water jugs. (Sometimes the jugs have soda in them, though.)

The other day I was going up and when I got to the top floor I noticed some ugly lady waiting to take the elevator down to the lobby. I saw her and she farted, which angered me, so I pushed all the floor buttons before I left the elevator car. Ha! Now TurtleBird has to stop at every floor. Lazy wench!

Later, I was going to take the elevator down, but as I was waiting, the door opened and TurtleBird walked out. I quickly ran away, I could tell she was working on another juicy one. I took the stairs down.

I left work because Michelle was in the neighborhood, so she called me, and we went out and I bought a new car.

Here's a picture of it.


That's me in the driver's seat with my driving gloves on!

It's kind of sad though. My old car, a 2000 Dodge Stratus SE, is still a nice car, and it runs great for me. I never had any major problems. The worse thing that happened was that the outside tierod ends broke on both sides of car within a year of each other. And that really wasn't a big deal to fix since my dad helped (i.e. I watched him fix them.)

Now I just need to find someone buy AKCFR from me for $64,565,468.98 or $3,500, whichever is closer to the actual price I'm selling it for ($3,501) without going over.

Hey, be sure to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. While you're at it, have your children spayed or neutered too. That'll control the population of people who are related to, and possibly just as ugly looking as, you.

Bill and Sue, July 8th 1997

Here at Meglo*Life, we have bulletin boards throughout the building for the employees to use. People can create ads for things for sale, carpooling, free stuff, etc. They get updated every 2 weeks or so.

The other day, I noticed one announcement where someone was looking for a lost men's wedding band, with the names and wedding date engraved on it. So I called the number up and a guy answered.

GUY: Hello?

ME: Hey there. I think I found your lost wedding band.

GUY: Really? That's great! I was afraid my wife was going to kill me... (chuckles a little)

ME: Sue?

GUY: What?

ME: Your wife, Sue?

GUY: Uh...

ME: Sue was going to kill you?

GUY: (silence)

ME: Anyway I have your ring. "Bill and Sue, July 8th, 1997"

GUY: My wife's not named Sue.

ME: Then why do you have "Sue" engraved on your wedding band?

GUY: It's obviously not my wedding band.

ME: Oh, geez. Sorry, I'm a little dense today. No wonder you sounded confused. I'm sorry.

GUY: That's alright. It's weird that some other guy also lost his ring.

ME: Yeah, and as coincidences go, this guy has the same anniversary as me. (laughing a little)

GUY: Oh wow, really? Isn't that something!

ME: And my wife's name is Sue, too!

GUY: Huh?

ME: What a minute, this is my ring! Good thing I didn't lose it like some kinda knucklehead. My wife would kill me.

GUY: You know, you're a real ass.

More fun here, here, here, or here.

Office Shenanigans III

So there's this dude here who feels he needs to listen to his voice-mail on speaker phone. The more I get to know him, the more Dilbert-esque he becomes.

Anyway, rather than be polite and ask why he's such an inconsiderate idiot, I figured the best learning is through experience.

At lunch, I went to my car, got my cell phone and called his line when I knew he wasn't at his desk. I left him a message with just one word, "penis," which I repeatedly yelled as loud as I could for about 30 seconds. Since the phone network here at Meglo*Life works through a switchboard, it would be impossible for him to know who the call was from, other than that it was "an outside caller."

After lunch, he noticed his voice-mail light was on, so he hit the speaker phone button, and dialed up his voice-mail account. Sure enough, once he "hit the 1 key to hear new messages" the people in the surrounding cubicles got treated to a barrage of "penis" as loud as the phone could go, until he quickly picked up the receiver, thus turning off the speaker phone.

I want to call him again next week to see if he'll still listen to voice-mail on speaker phone.

More fun here, here, or here.