Scroto

So, in less then a week from now, my brother Scroto will be home from Von Schmizelville. I was reminiscing the fond memories I have of him.

Here are some:
Punching his knuckles with my braces
Hitting his elbow with my temple
Smacking his hand with my cowlick

Actually, he really didn't beat me up at all. We never fought much because he was too busy smelling flowers and baking cookies. Sometimes I would make him cry by tickling him too much. I'm sorry Dave, please forgive me.

Anyway, that got me thinking to all the crazy things we did when we were younger. (like one-on-one baseball with Ben Dover, Ernie N. Bertson, Pops Ickle, Henry Arms, and so on.)
I decided to see if I could find some mention of the things we made up (or thought we made up) when we were younger.

1. The most sacred of all sport--Limpiefoot was no where to be found according to Google. (I even checked this.) I can hardly believe it. We were supposed to pass it on to the youth of America--now look at the mess we're in. No Limpiefoot= no love. We tried to play a game a few years ago, and we were winded after about .0045 minutes. Man, and to think, we used to play for 3 or 4 hours at a pop back in the day. Stupid beers. Mmmm...beer.


2. Tackle Basketball. I know we didn't event this. I have heard too many war stories about this sport from people I never met before to believe that we invented it. In fact, just the other day, a complete stranger was walking by me as we got off the subway. At the top of the exit stairs, a construction crew had set up a chain-link fence to keep the riff-raff out. This guy suddenly dropped to the ground in the fetal position. Some old lady walking by stopped and asked if he was alright. He could mutter only, "cheese grater..." It's real. See for yourself here.

3. One sport the lead singer of my third band, was good at was Tunnel Rat Tag. He was thin and quick in the tunnels, and great at taunting who was it. I think there were three types of tunnel rat tag player: There were the climber and runners, who could run across the monkey bars like squirrels in a tree; there were the tunnelers, who were unbelievably quick in the tunnels, and there were the intellectuals who quietly climbed out on the furthest ledge and waited for the person who was it to finally notice them, then shook the ledge as much as possible when they started to climb out, inducing a fall, and a free run to another tactical position. Yeah, tunnel rat was great, but not so much in the rain-then it hurt. I can't believe we all made it out alive. The only reference online is some stupid GI Joe crap. (GI Joe rocks, the site is crap.)

4. Enders cliff jumping started out as a way to cool off in the hot summer months down here in balmy southern New England. We used to ride our bikes there and slide down the rock slide, innocent like newborn babies. Then Russ showed up and changed everything we knew about reality. Russ sounds like a tough name, but this Russ looked like Screech Powers in a wetsuit. He climbed up the rocks and jumped from places we didn't know existed, into pools of water that we never dreamed of. Of course, we had to give it a go. We were jumping off 25' cliffs into 4' of water before too long (seriously!) We had one jump (The Fugitive), where you needed someone to stand next to where you needed to land in order to accurately hit the right spot. It was scary, looking down from 15' at a guy in 2' of water, pointing in front of him saying, "Land here, you'll be fine." One time we did a triple jump near the slide, and even jumped at night once. Through it all, only one person got hurt "falling down the stairs."

5. Barnball. Barnball should be a national sport. It was quite possibly as good as Limpiefoot in the sport aspect (Limpiefoot was also an intellectual game, sort of like Chess, and very distinguished and proper, plus it was named after the coolest band ever.) Barnball had the Roman stick, which could be your best friend one game and your worse enemy the next. It was always good advice to be nice to the person controlling the Roman stick or else you'd get whacked. I remember the white Michael Jordan played with us a lot. He always got hurt. There was a stretch of time when he got hurt doing everything he did, including getting a paper cut on his ass from toilet tissue. One time he fell through the floor playing barnball. It was so predictable. Apparently, there's all sorts of folks playing barnball. But I think they're all playing it by the European rules, which must be played in Koala Swimwear. When I build a barn, I'm gonna teach my kids to play barnball inbetween doing their chores. They're going be the best ever! I will name them Grolando and Frelé.

6. Chorkball was a lesser known sport played by the band Choad. They were comprised of a hippie, an artisté , an Oriental (inside joke-not racial) and two assbag brothers. Chorkball began because rehearsal was crap and my mom came home and told us to "...shut up or else I'll get the plastic spoon!" (Plus, she's a ninja so we were all scared.) I think Chorkball was played twice before the league disbanded and the hall of fame was shut down.

That's all I can think of. There might have been more that I don't know about or forgot because they were caca. Stinky caca.