"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle
So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.
Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.
1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)
2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:
............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)
I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.
3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.
4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:
"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."
When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:
"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."
I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.
Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.
1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)
2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:
............(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)
I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.
3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.
4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:
"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."
When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:
"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."
I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.
Labels: family, helpful info, kids, my girl
6 Comments:
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. That's what you think you will be doing. But you will be busy, HA, HA, HA.n And you will be changing diapers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike , you are 100% correct. As a matter of fact I have three daughters and I can tell you for certain that the birthing process did not hurt one little bit. Except when I scalded my lip with hot coffee in the waiting room.
If you change diapers outside with the hose handy, it is not so bad.
I am glad to know that it doesn't hurt. I don't plan on having kids anytime soon but that is a relief. Do they have a tv in the room so you can watch sports or something to keep busy?
Yes, they have TVs in the rooms. And yes, they have ESPN. Seriously.
I predict that the weight of this child will not be 10 lbs but more like just shy of 7.
well, if your baby was just shy
of 7 lbs. good guess seefar
i would of guessed about let's say
11 lbs. i'm horrible with math
i'm good but not exallent
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