About time, Slacker

Lazy sunnabitch

You can wiggle, you can dance, part 2

So I walked into the bathroom and noticed pee pee all over the seat and toilet and floor. I know for a fact my pee pee was only on the front of the toilet. I clinched my hand into a fist...

Logan!!!




LOGAN!!!!

This is Darryl, and my other brother Darryl...

When we're out and about with the twins, I'm totally shocked by how often people ask if they are twins. Seriously? You can't tell? What do you think they are? Idiots.

Rather than let loose a string of obscenities at the obviously retarded questioner, Michelle and I have resorted to getting as much entertainment out of it as possible.

DUMBASS: Are those twins?
ME: Oh no, one is almost 2, but he's a midget.

STUPIDSHIT: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, they're actually 9 months apart. I didn't think you could get pregnant having sex in the maternity ward.

ASSMOUTH: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: No they're triplets.
ASSMOUTH: Oh, the third one's with someone else?
MICHELLE: No, he's right... (frantically) oh no!!! Oh no!! Someone stole my baby!

FARTKNOCKER: Are those twins?
ME: No, only one is a real baby, the other is a robot.
(One time I tried this the FARTKNOCKER actually replied, "No, seriously, are they twins?" Stupid...)

ASSYNUTS: Do twins run in your family?
MICHELLE: Well, my husband and I are twins.
ASSYNUTS: Really? That's amazing, you and your husband, both twins.
MICHELLE: Yeah. Our mommy was praying for twins and she done got 'em.

ANUSSNIFFER: Are they twins?
ME: I not really sure.

SCROTUMCHEESE: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, we bought one.

RABBITHUMPER: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: Huh? What the f.... how do these keep in my shopping cart?

BOOGEREATER: Are those twins?
ME: Are what twins?
BOOGEREATER: Those babies.
ME: What babies?

Got any ideas? Let me know.

S.I.T.

Pop Pop!

Ever watch toast pop out of the toaster? It's just like watching my sons being born. Exciting stuff!

Here's Logan (the big brother) with his new brothers, Cody Stone (on the left) and Parker James.



Next on my TO DO list: Get my tubes tied.

Almost

Things are starting to slow down after the holidays and all the year end reporting at work. Soon I will post more about my awesomeness. Until then, these old posts will have to suffice. Let me know you're still out there with a quick comment every once in a while. And check out my awesome moustache. Since I grew it, I've killed four bikers, just by looking at them, and impregnated four women, again, just by looking at them. One of them was Michelle..and now she's pregnant...with twins!

Crap. Stupid moustache. I shaved it off just be safe.

R.I.P.? Milan
She's even 3 years older now, but doesn't look a day over 94
Michelle still loves ice cream
He still sucks at guitar (though he's half way decent at drums)
I will go back

Yo.

Freaky Friday

Ever notice that 31 backwards is 13? And that Halloweener was on Oct 31, a Friday...almost a Friday the 13^th?

Freaky.



I honestly carved that pumpkin, seriously. With my wiener.

Halloween is always a great time. I like to hide in the bushes and shoot the treat or treaters with a BB gun.

Look at this little bastard who showed up for some candy.

The Foley of technology

I was cleaning up my junk (no, not my carrot and radishes), in the garage the other day and wondered how to read my square. A few days earlier, I got some help figuring how much lumber I'd need to build a shed that was already there when we bought the place. For the most part I could figure it out myself, since geometry is pretty easy for me due to my brain folds, and I know how many inches there are between each stud/joist/rafter. The rafters were the only tricky part as far as I was concerned.

Anyway, I wondered if, when Logan is 30, I'd be teaching him the same things I was learning when I got help figuring out how I'd build a shed. With the way science is going, for a second I was mildly unsure.

The truth is, though, we've been building houses the same way for over 200 years; you hold the hammer in one hand and set the nail with the other. And I came to realize that all we've gained from technology is how we communicate with each other. (Hell, this blog is a good example of that, read: please don't ever call me.)

We put people on the moon, but we still need a dude with a chainsaw to cut down trees for our homes. (He should have a beard too, but it's mostly optional.)

Even if you think about the medical or scientific gains we've got from technology, they still boil down to how we communicate with each other. Sure, computers do some hardcore calculations, but it's not anything new, just old calculations we already knew how to do, but the computer only does them faster. The computer allows us to communicate the results faster than we would have earlier. It hasn't come up with a novel way to get those results. Even an MRI is just a better way of communicating what's going on inside of us then we previously could with a stethoscope.

In the end, (and the middle too, I guess), humans are social animals, and I guess it's good that all we really need to spend our technological time doing is talking to each other in better ways. I guess it means we're not too busy running for our lives. (Ha! Take that Homo neanderthalensis, you bitch!)

A while back, a guy I know, whose almost middle-aged now, told me that he thought, by now, he'd have been to space.

I'll be honest, by the time I'm his age (a mere 20 years or so from now) I sure as hell hope I've been to space. We should probably have colonies in space after we invent an alloy to ward off radiation poisoning from the freakin' sun.

All this lead me to decide I'm going to teach Logan the same things my dad (and others) have taught me. I'm going to buy a 1984 Red Dodge Ram pick-up truck. When I look under the hood, all I'll see is the engine block, head, value cover, alternator, carborator, starter, transmission and a high school sized Andy Haight (yes, he did fit in there.) And everything is connected with one timing belt, except Andy.

Yeah, I know, I missed a few things like the power steering motor or wiper motor. The point is, if you really wanted to, you could look inside the engine compartment long enough, and with some tools and patience, you could figure out what was going on.
The other day, my router (or modem, still not sure which) was acting like a hinie and I couldn't get on-line. Suppose I took my computer (or router or modem) apart and looked at it. Would that really help me solve the problem? No way. The 1's and 0's are too small to see.

For lots of years, maybe millions, we humans got by with our brains and our hands. Until about 200 years ago, that's all we really had. Some people today don't have a clue how to cook food. They are incomprehensively dependent on someone else, almost like a baby, only they are grown-ups.

These are the people who will be eaten first if (when?) life goes back to being on the tundra. (I wish I could take the credit for that saying but I can't.)

There is value in understanding which way is up, or that clockwise tightens a bolt.

Now I know what Ben Franklin meant when he said, "When your balls itch, scratch them."

I Like Cheese

My son is pretty cool. He doesn't mind if I play drums and he actually likes it when I sing Tenacious D to him.

You should always read F Minus sometimes. It's about 50% as good as The Far Side was, but those 50% are pretty damn funny.

This comic, for example, is a great example of how art imitates life. It's about Logan.


Click on the comic a larger version.





Ha ha ha ha ha!

I got a new Zildjian K Constantinople crash cymbal for Christmas!!

So, when I came downstairs on Christmas morning, I noticed Santa brought me all sorts of things. He must have received my letter, because I got the crash cymbal I wanted! Sweet.

There was a buttload of presents under the tree:



You can almost see the cymbal wrapped up behind the baby.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. We got a baby boy for Christmas too. His name is Logan. I put him down by the road with the recycleables, but they didn't take him. Michelle called to complain and they said (this is an honest to goodness statement Paines said to her): "We will only take 1 knee high pile of cardboard per week."

What does that have to do with the baby?

Anyway, we decided to keep him around for a while to see how things go. Actually, I think we have to keep him. I guess the hospital has a 30 day trial period where they'll take him back no questions asked as long as we have the receipt. Well, guess who "lost" the receipt? Yup, that's right, Michelle did.

So anyway, Logan and I have been hanging out a little and I realized that he is actually pretty cool. He loves boobs, and he was saying how he thinks it's great that one day his Uncle Dave will get married in Massachusetts. Also, I've been teaching him how to play guitar. He's pretty good for a 9 day old.



He's showing off and playing with his eyes closed. (And only one hand: The guitar to tuned to open C.)

Yeah, he's not such a bad gift to get for Christmas. One day soon I'll have him mowing the lawn and raking leaves. That's going to be sweet, and by sweet, I mean totally awesome.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year. I might actually make it to midnight...maybe.

"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle

So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.

Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.

1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)

2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:

............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)


I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.

3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.

4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:

"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."

When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:

"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."

I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.

All in one minute...

Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh, Whaa-ooh.

I don't know if you counted or not, but there's 173 there. They are heartbeats. Not mine, not Michelle's either. They belong to the little baby growing in her belly.

Freakin' Red Spoons!

I know I promised this Star Wars she-ite would end soon...and it will. I would be more careful if it weren't for all the other 80 million Star Wars freaks out there. In fact, I'm very self-conscious. I often think of many ways in which I am better than you.

"Nah...I'm just kidding. I love you guys." - Flexo (or at least, something he might say)

So I went to this Mexican restaurant and drank a few XX Lagers. Then I decided I needed more, so I go to the Super-duper market to get some beer since it was after 8 PM and only supermarkets sell beer that late in this stupid-ass state. While I ran through the aisles, I happened upon a bunch of cereal boxes that offer light-saber spoons.

I already have two red spoons, but would love a green or blue one (even if only to rub it into dMANb's face.)

So, with the approval of my master, Michelle, I purchased 4 boxes of cereal-2 for my nieces, and 2 for me, which, despite a promise I made (my fingers were crossed) I will never eat. I bought 2 Honey Smacks, 1 Crapple Jacks, and 1 Corn pops. We decided to give the Apple Jacks and 1 Honey Smacks to the girls.

I opened the other two right away. Crappola! 2 more red spoons. Poop on a stick!

Then we delivered the packages to the, albeit cute, ungrateful little beasts, and guess what...?

Katharine pulls out a GREEN light saber spoon. The little wench!

"Hey Katharine," I says, "I'll give you 2 red spoons for your measly 1 green one."

"No thanks," she answers. Then she adds, "I'm the only one with a green spoon." she even let the words linger in the air for a moment.

Damn children-too smart for their own good.

But I noticed she opened the Apple Jacks. Aha! It must be Apple Jacks that gives you the green spoon!

Finally, after about an hour of goodbyes, we left, and, again with my Master, Darth Michelle's permission, we return to Price Hopper, and I purchase the last box of Apple Jacks.

I run into the car eagerly awaiting my green light saber spoon. I can't wait to wave it into dMANb's face. Ha! I am the one true Jedi!

I pulled the box top open before I got to the car. Once inside, the suspense was killing me, and my master. She even said, "Hurry up, I want to see if it's green."

I deliberately slowly opened the packet to the spoon. I turned on the switch and connected the top. I pushed the button...

It was red!

F***in' Kellogg's assbags. (Sheesh! I almost swore in public...about a spoon!)

Anyway, I got home and drank 3 more beers, and decided to tell you about this.

Thanks for dinner AC.

I'm going to write Kellogg's a letter. Jerkynuts!