Advertising

I've been seriously considering putting some ads on my blog. The extra 49¢ per year of income will really go a long way towards my dream of one day owning my own pony, Master Fredrickson Appleworth III. I will ride him all around that circle at High Meadow ALL DAY LONG!!! I love him!!
So anyway if you see some ads, don't be alarmed or discouraged, click on them, knowing that you're helping me and my children live the lives of kings.

That reminds me, are you bothered by feminine itching and odor? It used to be a problem for me, but I don't worry about it anymore. Not since I tried Vagasil® Deodorant Powder. Vagasil® is the natural choice for feminine hygiene and care. A few little squirts and everything is minty fresh again. I wouldn't leave home without it.

Vagasil®, These beats are so Fresh!.

Smell ya later!

"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle

So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.

Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.

1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)

2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:

............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)


I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.

3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.

4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:

"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."

When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:

"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."

I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.

Diagnosis: Nerder

Last week, I wasn't feeling too well, so I headed to my doctor, Dr. Quinn, to see what was ailing me. She probed me over twice and came to the conclusion that I was nerdy. I couldn't believe it at first, but then she showed me this simple nerd test.


1. Do you own a video game system?
b- Do you own more than one?
c- Is any system more than 20 years old?

2. Do you have tee shirts with video game themes on them?

3. Do you own any "collectable action figures"?
b- Have you ever rummaged through a display at a store to obtain just the right figure?
c- Have you ever attended a tag sale looking to purchase "vintage" figures?

4. Do you read math books for leisure?

5. Do you watch NOVA on PBS?

6. Can you name the person who wrote the teleplay for the Star Trek episode, The Trouble with Tribbles?

7. Can you name a character from an Issac Asimov story?
b- Can you name more than five?

8. Are you a member of an internet discussion forum concerning robots, video games, math, or "collectible action figures"?

9. Have you ever played D&D?
b- Have you ever been the Dungeon Master?

10. Is the ratio of 'yes' answers to 'no' above greater than the ratio of the first palindrome prime number with an even number of digits to the first Fermet prime number? If so, you are a nerd.

I had 13 yes answers, (including #10) but only 3 no answers. How could this happen?! I'm too young to get afflicted with this. I'm not even 30 yet.

I'm now on a prescription of beer, mashed potatoes and girlie magazines, and I've been using a power tool of some kind every other day in order to cure myself.

Yo Ho Ho! It's officially Christmas season!

My cousin Bobberto Rodriguez Phamingo Diego Martinez Montoya Lopez Gomez sent me a photo of me last year at our family Christmas party. This is when we were singing Christmas carols.



That reminded me to send a letter to Santa. I send him a letter every year. Actually, that's a slight exaggeration. I only wrote Santa once before, including this time. The following is an actual transcript of the actual letter.

Dear Santa,

'Sup bitch?

This year I have been particularly good. In case you were too busy eatting, you fat slob, here is a list of five of the many great things I have done so far:

1. I was awarded the Noble peace prize for literature for my short story, The Title of This Short Story is Actually the Entire Story.
2. I single-handedly saved three lives by performing colonoscopies on four elderly llamas. With my other hand, I delivered twins in a parked car in a traffic jam during rush hour. One of the twins, Handsome Awesomesky, is named after me.
3. I ate zucchini.
4. Figured out something to put in the space for #4 on the list of five great things I have done this year.
5. Won the inventor of the year award for coming up with a way to not be naked under my clothes.

So, as you clearly see, you should bring me these gifts. There are in no particular order. Some things on the list have links with more data, pictures, etc.

When H.A.R.L.I.E. Was One by David Gerrold - This is a sci-fi novel. I'd like a new (as in not used) copy, hardcover if it was even printed in hardcover. Good luck finding this.

An 18" K Constantinople Crash Cymbal - You can learn about this cymbal here and purchase it here. I'll need a good, double braced, boom cymbal stand for this as well.

Star Wars Battlefront II for Playstation 2

Lego Bricks -
- 2 X 4 Black Plates
- 1 X 6 Black Plates
- 1 X 6 White plates
- Assorted Jumper Plates
- 2 X 2 Smooth Top (SNOT) Plates

50 Lbs. of Domestic 2-Row Pale Malt - Unmilled

A Home Cheapo gift certificate so I can buy things I want without Michelle telling me I don't need it.

Tools
- 6" or 8" C-clamp (not a cheesy Hell*Mart version)
- 18" bar clamp/spreader (IRWIN makes some good clamps)
- 24" Pipe clamp (try Pony)
- A Stanley carpenter's square like this one.


A Minus the Bear CD other than Menos El Oso, which I already own.

Korg Chromatic Tuner - the one in the link exactly.

A 14" Evans Genera Coated Snare Drum Batter Head. After rocking like John Bonham for 10 months on my old drumhead, the top ply finally cracked. Now I need a new one.

I could also use a good 8' step ladder.

This Thrashers shirt, in XL because I'm fat.

That's all I can think of now. Maybe Michelle knows something else I might deserve.

Thanks Santa!

Love,
Mike

PS If you read this blog Santa, please share this wishlist with anyone who might buy me presents.

They're alive!!!!

I thought with halloweiner fast approaching, I'd do something scary...so here's a picture of my balls....!!!


You are sick for highlighting this area hoping to see a picture of my balls




Nahh... I'm just kidding with you.

You know, I like music. I like it a lot. In fact, listening to music (and most likely, playing it too) is something I do every day. The only other things I do each day are eat, breathe and shit. (Oh shit!, this blog is not PG anymore...)

So. I was thinking about bands I'd never want to see live (that's what I was always doing sometimes, especially at work) and I realized that of all my favorite bands, only two of them I'd actually enjoy seeing live: Minus the Bear, and Jimmie's Chicken Shack.

Now, you know (since you care immensely about me and what I find awesome, (why else would you visit this blog instead of going outside to play or kissing your wife(or domestic partner, you homo))) [triple parnethesises outside of mathematics!?, how unorthodox...now the sentence that last left off with "Now, you know..." begins again] that I like crazy (also commonly known to few as creative, talented and ass-kicking) bands like Bjork, Radiohead, The Sound of Animals Fighting, The Fall of Troy, and The Mars Volta, but those three bands are three bands I think I would pee pee or poo poo in my pants at. That's what's really scary: Bjork running around stage with a penguin on as she sings Where is the Line? and Mike Patton beat-boxes away ("What is it?!") They are totally nuts and make 3 minute songs into 45 minute songs. This is usually only cool from their perspective.

The bands I most enjoy live are actually bluegrass and no name jazz bands, and for one simple reason: they actually are good musicians. One time, I was wandering around Boston with my subordinate Michelle, and we happened upon some really great jazz. We listened all night, along with a few martinis. It was great. And who can rule out an awesome show in a barn on the property of the doctor who delivered you from evil (ha ha! I get it) where the bluegrass flows like wine and you can trip the mandolin player if you really wanted to.

Yeah. Music is listenable. I'd give it a shot if I were you and you've missed out so far.

Now stop reading this and go outside...one day you'll die and realize you didn't get enough sun.

Maps and Beer (but no driving please)

Maps are useful things. They are more useful when they point you towards beer. Yum.

Imagine visiting a place you've never been to before, but already knowing the brew pubs, brewerys, home brew clubs and beer sales stores in the area.

Now you can with Michael Fairbrother's All Things Beer Map.

The beer map currently displays over 5,200 beer related places including home brew clubs, microbrewerys, brewing supply stores, brew pubs and bars. Plus, users can add locations to the map. It's a great resource if you are a home brewer or just like good beer (real beer not that Budweiser crap).

Try it out. Just scroll down to the lower left drop down menu and choose your state.

Cheers!

Hide and Seek

Since I am so worldly and I have traveled the Earth and Space millions of times in my imagination, I figured I should share some of the experiences with my friends (and the other readers of this blog.)

The process began years ago when I started writing stories. I have lots of ideas, I just need to actually finish committing one of them to paper (I should say, my hard drive, not paper.)

I have plan, so please don't dismay.

Before I get through with the multitude of fantastic adventures that dwell in my mind, I figured I could point you in the direction of some pretty good things that already exist.

These things can be found in my other blog, which is linked to on the sidebar. (You'll see 'My OTHER Blog' right above the hockey info.) NOW DEFUNCT, but the stuff is on this blog, look at the sidebar.

I'm going to pace myself and try to share something new once a week. Sometimes, it might be more or less frequent though. Hopefully, at some point, I'll stumble across something you find interesting, cool, jive, wiggity whack, or whatever the positive term is now-a-days.

This isn't intended to take the place of the interesting places to visit section of the sidebar, but there could possibly be some overlap in the future. We'll see.

Squeeze it easy.