About time, Slacker

Lazy sunnabitch

This is Darryl, and my other brother Darryl...

When we're out and about with the twins, I'm totally shocked by how often people ask if they are twins. Seriously? You can't tell? What do you think they are? Idiots.

Rather than let loose a string of obscenities at the obviously retarded questioner, Michelle and I have resorted to getting as much entertainment out of it as possible.

DUMBASS: Are those twins?
ME: Oh no, one is almost 2, but he's a midget.

STUPIDSHIT: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, they're actually 9 months apart. I didn't think you could get pregnant having sex in the maternity ward.

ASSMOUTH: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: No they're triplets.
ASSMOUTH: Oh, the third one's with someone else?
MICHELLE: No, he's right... (frantically) oh no!!! Oh no!! Someone stole my baby!

FARTKNOCKER: Are those twins?
ME: No, only one is a real baby, the other is a robot.
(One time I tried this the FARTKNOCKER actually replied, "No, seriously, are they twins?" Stupid...)

ASSYNUTS: Do twins run in your family?
MICHELLE: Well, my husband and I are twins.
ASSYNUTS: Really? That's amazing, you and your husband, both twins.
MICHELLE: Yeah. Our mommy was praying for twins and she done got 'em.

ANUSSNIFFER: Are they twins?
ME: I not really sure.

SCROTUMCHEESE: Are those twins?
MICHELLE: No, we bought one.

RABBITHUMPER: Are they twins?
MICHELLE: Huh? What the f.... how do these keep in my shopping cart?

BOOGEREATER: Are those twins?
ME: Are what twins?
BOOGEREATER: Those babies.
ME: What babies?

Got any ideas? Let me know.

S.I.T.

Pop Pop!

Ever watch toast pop out of the toaster? It's just like watching my sons being born. Exciting stuff!

Here's Logan (the big brother) with his new brothers, Cody Stone (on the left) and Parker James.



Next on my TO DO list: Get my tubes tied.

Almost

Things are starting to slow down after the holidays and all the year end reporting at work. Soon I will post more about my awesomeness. Until then, these old posts will have to suffice. Let me know you're still out there with a quick comment every once in a while. And check out my awesome moustache. Since I grew it, I've killed four bikers, just by looking at them, and impregnated four women, again, just by looking at them. One of them was Michelle..and now she's pregnant...with twins!

Crap. Stupid moustache. I shaved it off just be safe.

R.I.P.? Milan
She's even 3 years older now, but doesn't look a day over 94
Michelle still loves ice cream
He still sucks at guitar (though he's half way decent at drums)
I will go back

Yo.

UNCLASSIFIED: Look at all your different colored hats!

My brother, Jermane, is in the army and I guess he was recently promoted. Now he's something like the cobra commander of his headquarters.

Here's a recent picture of him.


This is what I figure his days will be like now that he has increased responsibilities.


His old rank was sergeant slaughter or maybe it was cap'n crunch, I can't really remember. To be honest, I didn't pay too much attention to him, but now he's in control of the nukes, so I figure it's time to be nice, just in case...

If you're as worried as I am, you should help me appease him. I can deliver some necessary items to him, such as a Martin D28. Just get one and send it to me and I'll take it from there.

Hopefully we can keep this warmonger happy long enough to stock up on Twinkies, Spam, and vienna sausages in the new bomb shelter behind the furnace.

Now you know, and knowing's half the battle.

Happy Veterans Day

Hey there,

Happy Veteran's Day to all you vets out there. The countless animal lives you've saved has made America a better place. Kudos to you for ignoring Bob Barker and impregnating your pets.

Suck it Trebek,
Mike

Hallo, guten Tag!

Note to readers: many of the pictures in this post can be clicked on to be viewed larger.

Warning! Long post alert, but it's mostly pictures.

Michelle and I just got back from Europe a week ago. It was great. We spent time in Bamberg, Germany (where my brother lives) and Rome. Here are some pictures. We took over 600 pictures and movie clips!

Here's where my brother lives:


Just kidding, he really lives at # 31. Here's the street he lives on.





Here's some photos of the city of Bamberg.









Bamberg has 10 breweries in the city, and is known for Rauchbier, smoke beer, which is brewed with malted barley that is dried over open flames.







Rome was great. It's amazing how much history there is in the city, and how much the modern city just grw up around, and blends into the old stuff, both the antiquitious Roman senate/empire buildings and the Vacatian and Catholic areas.







Walking to the Vacatian.

This shot was taken only 3-5 minutes walk from our hotel room!

The Swiss Guard at the basilica.


St. Peter's Square


St. Peter's Basilica


Some shots from inside










Some things from the Vatican museum.







The Tiber river, from the Castel Sant'Angelo, outside of Vatican City.


The Ancient Roman ruins were awesome. It's pretty amazing how they have survived the sacking of Rome, and WWII as well as they have.



















Back in Germany, Pottenstein.









Also, back in Bamberg, we went on a brewery tour. We only went to four breweries, since we had to leave early the next day.

Klosterbrau




Spezial Brau




Mahr's Brau


I took so many more pictures. I didn't even include any of Frankfurt here.
I can show you some more pictures if you want.

I'm planning to go back around October 2009.

I got a new Zildjian K Constantinople crash cymbal for Christmas!!

So, when I came downstairs on Christmas morning, I noticed Santa brought me all sorts of things. He must have received my letter, because I got the crash cymbal I wanted! Sweet.

There was a buttload of presents under the tree:



You can almost see the cymbal wrapped up behind the baby.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. We got a baby boy for Christmas too. His name is Logan. I put him down by the road with the recycleables, but they didn't take him. Michelle called to complain and they said (this is an honest to goodness statement Paines said to her): "We will only take 1 knee high pile of cardboard per week."

What does that have to do with the baby?

Anyway, we decided to keep him around for a while to see how things go. Actually, I think we have to keep him. I guess the hospital has a 30 day trial period where they'll take him back no questions asked as long as we have the receipt. Well, guess who "lost" the receipt? Yup, that's right, Michelle did.

So anyway, Logan and I have been hanging out a little and I realized that he is actually pretty cool. He loves boobs, and he was saying how he thinks it's great that one day his Uncle Dave will get married in Massachusetts. Also, I've been teaching him how to play guitar. He's pretty good for a 9 day old.



He's showing off and playing with his eyes closed. (And only one hand: The guitar to tuned to open C.)

Yeah, he's not such a bad gift to get for Christmas. One day soon I'll have him mowing the lawn and raking leaves. That's going to be sweet, and by sweet, I mean totally awesome.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year. I might actually make it to midnight...maybe.

"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle

So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.

Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.

1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)

2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:

............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)


I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.

3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.

4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:

"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."

When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:

"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."

I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.