I got a new Zildjian K Constantinople crash cymbal for Christmas!!

So, when I came downstairs on Christmas morning, I noticed Santa brought me all sorts of things. He must have received my letter, because I got the crash cymbal I wanted! Sweet.

There was a buttload of presents under the tree:



You can almost see the cymbal wrapped up behind the baby.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. We got a baby boy for Christmas too. His name is Logan. I put him down by the road with the recycleables, but they didn't take him. Michelle called to complain and they said (this is an honest to goodness statement Paines said to her): "We will only take 1 knee high pile of cardboard per week."

What does that have to do with the baby?

Anyway, we decided to keep him around for a while to see how things go. Actually, I think we have to keep him. I guess the hospital has a 30 day trial period where they'll take him back no questions asked as long as we have the receipt. Well, guess who "lost" the receipt? Yup, that's right, Michelle did.

So anyway, Logan and I have been hanging out a little and I realized that he is actually pretty cool. He loves boobs, and he was saying how he thinks it's great that one day his Uncle Dave will get married in Massachusetts. Also, I've been teaching him how to play guitar. He's pretty good for a 9 day old.



He's showing off and playing with his eyes closed. (And only one hand: The guitar to tuned to open C.)

Yeah, he's not such a bad gift to get for Christmas. One day soon I'll have him mowing the lawn and raking leaves. That's going to be sweet, and by sweet, I mean totally awesome.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year. I might actually make it to midnight...maybe.

"Ah, you could handle a 10 pounder no problem..." - Dr. Mortman to Michelle

So, a couple of Saturdays ago, Michelle and I went to a day long birthing class at the hospital. In one day, the number of times I've heard someone say the word vagina in my life has doubled. Vagina. Ewww... the images in my head make me want to hurl.

Anyway, we learned a lot about labor and delivery. Since I'm altruistic, I'll share some of the tips we learned with you.

1. Plan Ahead:
When the labor begins and it's time to get to hospital, we won't have time to pack, so we need to pack ahead of time. I'll need to bring a book, because most of the time, Michelle will be lying there grunting and breathing all weird. Music can help take your mind off labor pains too, so I plan on bringing my iPod so I can block out some of the noises Michelle will be making when I put the headphones on and turn it up a little. Also, BYOB. The hospital cafeteria doesn't serve beer, so you need to bring your own. (Of course, it's not for the mother to be, it's for me.)

2. Relax:
I gathered from the RN teaching the class that most of the time we will spend lounging around like these:

............
(Actual photos from a the hand-outs, seriously.)


I plan on catching some shut eye during this time.

3. Know your role:
Most of the time, the "coach" tries to get too involved. Basically, the dads should just sit back and let the nurses do all the work. Hell, that's what they're paid for. We got to watch a movie and the guy in the movie was laying on the bed while the mother walked around the room. That is clearly the best way to approach it, or else the RN teaching the class wouldn't have shown us that movie.

4. Be supportive:
I guess labor is slightly uncomfortable. It's good to be supportive of the mother while she's in active labor. This can be done by rubbing her belly vigorously or getting right into her face and singing show tunes.
Some supportive words to say are:

"You're doing a good job!"
"Come on, how bad can it really hurt?"
"Hell, cave women just grunted them out and then chewed the umbilical cord off with their teeth (then ordered Geico insurance.)"
"Your body was made to do this so suck it up and quit your whining."
or
"Hey, you're the one who wanted kids in the first place."

When the baby's finally born, it's good to let the mother know you're proud of her. Again, there are a few common phrases to say to get the point across:

"You know, in a few months, you'll actually look good again."
"How do we make this thing stop crying?"
"How did something so cute come out of something so ugly?"
and
"By the way, I'm not changing any diapers."

I hope those tips can help you out. Because I care.

Diagnosis: Nerder

Last week, I wasn't feeling too well, so I headed to my doctor, Dr. Quinn, to see what was ailing me. She probed me over twice and came to the conclusion that I was nerdy. I couldn't believe it at first, but then she showed me this simple nerd test.


1. Do you own a video game system?
b- Do you own more than one?
c- Is any system more than 20 years old?

2. Do you have tee shirts with video game themes on them?

3. Do you own any "collectable action figures"?
b- Have you ever rummaged through a display at a store to obtain just the right figure?
c- Have you ever attended a tag sale looking to purchase "vintage" figures?

4. Do you read math books for leisure?

5. Do you watch NOVA on PBS?

6. Can you name the person who wrote the teleplay for the Star Trek episode, The Trouble with Tribbles?

7. Can you name a character from an Issac Asimov story?
b- Can you name more than five?

8. Are you a member of an internet discussion forum concerning robots, video games, math, or "collectible action figures"?

9. Have you ever played D&D?
b- Have you ever been the Dungeon Master?

10. Is the ratio of 'yes' answers to 'no' above greater than the ratio of the first palindrome prime number with an even number of digits to the first Fermet prime number? If so, you are a nerd.

I had 13 yes answers, (including #10) but only 3 no answers. How could this happen?! I'm too young to get afflicted with this. I'm not even 30 yet.

I'm now on a prescription of beer, mashed potatoes and girlie magazines, and I've been using a power tool of some kind every other day in order to cure myself.