Huh?

I noticed on my visitor tracker that a lot of recent visits came from people searching for koala swimwear, as I recently named a post after that. If you've never seen a koala swimsuit, I suggest you check it out. Do an image search on Google and make sure the safe search is off. Try searching at work, or church, or when little children are nearby and paying 100% attention to what's on the computer screen. Better yet, check it out with your mom in the room.

SCRATCH THAT! Don't do any of that stuff! If you really must see a koala swimsuit, do it when no one is around, unless you want to get fired or arrested or slapped.

That brings up something that I always wonder about sometimes: How many inside jokes do I use on this blog that only a small handful of you readers actually know? I would guess almost every post has some joke in it that only one or two of the readers he actually understand. (Right, Sniffy?)

Or for that matter, how many of you actually even care? And why would I even think that any of you would want to read about me? Seriously, I suck. I'm only mildly handsome. I can't break a 4 minute mile. I can't quite benchpress 450 lbs. I can't even hit the high F in Minnie Riperton's Loving You. I don't do anything remotely important.

With YouTube: Broadcast Yourself ^TM, MySpace, me.com, and Windows Live Space, everybody in the world today thinks they are special and better than average. They also think that everyone else actually cares about what they think and have to say. Fooey!

You should stop reading this right now and go outside. One day you're going to die, but right before that happens, you'll think, "Sheesh, I wish I went outside instead of thinking I cared about what Mike was always doing sometimes. I am such a numbnuts."

Actually, don't stop reading just yet. Check out this guy first. He actually is doing something important and he actually is better than average. Plus, I think he can hit that high F.

It's got all the gizzards and buzzards...

Since I work on the top floor of the massive Meglo*Life office building in the urban jungle that is Wheathog, CT, I often take the elevator up to my spacious 3,000 square inch cubicle after I workout out at lunch, lifting 588 ml water jugs. (Sometimes the jugs have soda in them, though.)

The other day I was going up and when I got to the top floor I noticed some ugly lady waiting to take the elevator down to the lobby. I saw her and she farted, which angered me, so I pushed all the floor buttons before I left the elevator car. Ha! Now TurtleBird has to stop at every floor. Lazy wench!

Later, I was going to take the elevator down, but as I was waiting, the door opened and TurtleBird walked out. I quickly ran away, I could tell she was working on another juicy one. I took the stairs down.

I left work because Michelle was in the neighborhood, so she called me, and we went out and I bought a new car.

Here's a picture of it.


That's me in the driver's seat with my driving gloves on!

It's kind of sad though. My old car, a 2000 Dodge Stratus SE, is still a nice car, and it runs great for me. I never had any major problems. The worse thing that happened was that the outside tierod ends broke on both sides of car within a year of each other. And that really wasn't a big deal to fix since my dad helped (i.e. I watched him fix them.)

Now I just need to find someone buy AKCFR from me for $64,565,468.98 or $3,500, whichever is closer to the actual price I'm selling it for ($3,501) without going over.

Hey, be sure to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. While you're at it, have your children spayed or neutered too. That'll control the population of people who are related to, and possibly just as ugly looking as, you.

I Like Cheese

My son is pretty cool. He doesn't mind if I play drums and he actually likes it when I sing Tenacious D to him.

You should always read F Minus sometimes. It's about 50% as good as The Far Side was, but those 50% are pretty damn funny.

This comic, for example, is a great example of how art imitates life. It's about Logan.


Click on the comic a larger version.





Ha ha ha ha ha!

Koala Swimwear

I got some mail the other day. Besides fan mail, usually, my mail consists of bills (this kind of life is getting expensive, we know how to live baby...), beer brewing magazines, Toyfare, or junk for Logan. But the other day, I got this in the mail.



It's from Victoria's Secret, and it's for free panties, but it was addressed to me. So I went to Victoria's Secret to get my free panties. Hell, maybe Victoria's secret is that she has a penis just like I do.

So I go in and all the sales women avoid me at first. I'm sure caressing the nipples on the mannequin didn't help. After I showed them the free panty coupon, they seemed willing to help.

SALESLADY: What kind of panties would your wife like?

ME: My wife?

HER: Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you were wearing a wedding band and just assumed you were married.

ME: I am married.

HER: Well, then aren't you going to get her some panties?

ME: This is addressed to me. I'm here to get me some free panties.

HER: Uhh....I don't think it works that way.

(Her manager, also a women, comes over and askes if she can help.)

MANAGER: Can I help you sir?

ME: What size panty do you think I would wear?

MANAGER: Sir, sexual harassment is not tolerated here.

ME: What are you talking about? I got a coupon for free panties and I came to claim them.

MANAGER: Let me see that.

...

MANAGER: You must have purchased something here recently.

ME (as I begin to stroke mannequin nipples again): No. Never. I hate this store.

MANAGER: Then, I think it was a mistake that it was sent to you.

ME: So what? You're not going to honor it?

She looks at me puzzled.

ME: I need the number to a regional supervisor or something. And what's your name, expect to see this on channel 3's consumer protection news segment soon.

MANAGER: You can have the free panties. You pervert.


So, I'm a size XL. I only wore them once, though. You might think that I never meant to wear them, and I only did once out of principle, but that's not the case. I would have worn them all the time, I love free stuff. But they are very uncomfortable. I have to wear them backwards, or else I get man camel toe, but backwards, I get a constant wedgie. Stupid panties.