Happy Veterans Day

Hey there,

Happy Veteran's Day to all you vets out there. The countless animal lives you've saved has made America a better place. Kudos to you for ignoring Bob Barker and impregnating your pets.

Suck it Trebek,
Mike

Huh?

I noticed on my visitor tracker that a lot of recent visits came from people searching for koala swimwear, as I recently named a post after that. If you've never seen a koala swimsuit, I suggest you check it out. Do an image search on Google and make sure the safe search is off. Try searching at work, or church, or when little children are nearby and paying 100% attention to what's on the computer screen. Better yet, check it out with your mom in the room.

SCRATCH THAT! Don't do any of that stuff! If you really must see a koala swimsuit, do it when no one is around, unless you want to get fired or arrested or slapped.

That brings up something that I always wonder about sometimes: How many inside jokes do I use on this blog that only a small handful of you readers actually know? I would guess almost every post has some joke in it that only one or two of the readers he actually understand. (Right, Sniffy?)

Or for that matter, how many of you actually even care? And why would I even think that any of you would want to read about me? Seriously, I suck. I'm only mildly handsome. I can't break a 4 minute mile. I can't quite benchpress 450 lbs. I can't even hit the high F in Minnie Riperton's Loving You. I don't do anything remotely important.

With YouTube: Broadcast Yourself ^TM, MySpace, me.com, and Windows Live Space, everybody in the world today thinks they are special and better than average. They also think that everyone else actually cares about what they think and have to say. Fooey!

You should stop reading this right now and go outside. One day you're going to die, but right before that happens, you'll think, "Sheesh, I wish I went outside instead of thinking I cared about what Mike was always doing sometimes. I am such a numbnuts."

Actually, don't stop reading just yet. Check out this guy first. He actually is doing something important and he actually is better than average. Plus, I think he can hit that high F.

It's got all the gizzards and buzzards...

Since I work on the top floor of the massive Meglo*Life office building in the urban jungle that is Wheathog, CT, I often take the elevator up to my spacious 3,000 square inch cubicle after I workout out at lunch, lifting 588 ml water jugs. (Sometimes the jugs have soda in them, though.)

The other day I was going up and when I got to the top floor I noticed some ugly lady waiting to take the elevator down to the lobby. I saw her and she farted, which angered me, so I pushed all the floor buttons before I left the elevator car. Ha! Now TurtleBird has to stop at every floor. Lazy wench!

Later, I was going to take the elevator down, but as I was waiting, the door opened and TurtleBird walked out. I quickly ran away, I could tell she was working on another juicy one. I took the stairs down.

I left work because Michelle was in the neighborhood, so she called me, and we went out and I bought a new car.

Here's a picture of it.


That's me in the driver's seat with my driving gloves on!

It's kind of sad though. My old car, a 2000 Dodge Stratus SE, is still a nice car, and it runs great for me. I never had any major problems. The worse thing that happened was that the outside tierod ends broke on both sides of car within a year of each other. And that really wasn't a big deal to fix since my dad helped (i.e. I watched him fix them.)

Now I just need to find someone buy AKCFR from me for $64,565,468.98 or $3,500, whichever is closer to the actual price I'm selling it for ($3,501) without going over.

Hey, be sure to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. While you're at it, have your children spayed or neutered too. That'll control the population of people who are related to, and possibly just as ugly looking as, you.

Koala Swimwear

I got some mail the other day. Besides fan mail, usually, my mail consists of bills (this kind of life is getting expensive, we know how to live baby...), beer brewing magazines, Toyfare, or junk for Logan. But the other day, I got this in the mail.



It's from Victoria's Secret, and it's for free panties, but it was addressed to me. So I went to Victoria's Secret to get my free panties. Hell, maybe Victoria's secret is that she has a penis just like I do.

So I go in and all the sales women avoid me at first. I'm sure caressing the nipples on the mannequin didn't help. After I showed them the free panty coupon, they seemed willing to help.

SALESLADY: What kind of panties would your wife like?

ME: My wife?

HER: Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you were wearing a wedding band and just assumed you were married.

ME: I am married.

HER: Well, then aren't you going to get her some panties?

ME: This is addressed to me. I'm here to get me some free panties.

HER: Uhh....I don't think it works that way.

(Her manager, also a women, comes over and askes if she can help.)

MANAGER: Can I help you sir?

ME: What size panty do you think I would wear?

MANAGER: Sir, sexual harassment is not tolerated here.

ME: What are you talking about? I got a coupon for free panties and I came to claim them.

MANAGER: Let me see that.

...

MANAGER: You must have purchased something here recently.

ME (as I begin to stroke mannequin nipples again): No. Never. I hate this store.

MANAGER: Then, I think it was a mistake that it was sent to you.

ME: So what? You're not going to honor it?

She looks at me puzzled.

ME: I need the number to a regional supervisor or something. And what's your name, expect to see this on channel 3's consumer protection news segment soon.

MANAGER: You can have the free panties. You pervert.


So, I'm a size XL. I only wore them once, though. You might think that I never meant to wear them, and I only did once out of principle, but that's not the case. I would have worn them all the time, I love free stuff. But they are very uncomfortable. I have to wear them backwards, or else I get man camel toe, but backwards, I get a constant wedgie. Stupid panties.

Balance of Power

Today is veteran's day. My father and my brother are veterans, and Smigeon is also a vet.
Thank you all.

Last weekend, Andre finished the NYC marathon within an hour of Lance Armstrong, just like he hoped he would. Good for him. I was thinking of running in the marathon too, but then I remembered God invented cars so we didn't have to run places. He wants us to drive, it helps us keep our bodies from harm.

With the Democratic take over in Congress, big companies, like Meglo*Life here in Homer Simpson, CT, are wondering if the new lawmakers will crack down on business practices and such. To be completely honest, Meglo*Life is actually pretty good and we try to be honest whenever it behooves us. (Hell, we can't be any worse then the big pharmaceticals, or Ralph Nader...)

Anyway though, we've been working on improving our projection of future lifetimes, since that will effect our reserving and prices. One of the side effects of this is that we can not only predict what people will need in the future (medical needs, financial needs, etc.) we also get a good idea of what people will look like in the future too.

I decided to run the new model for a friend of mine, Will. Currently, he's a high risk individual based on his flambuoyant lifestyle and ultra-tight European jeans.

Here's how he looks now:


And, according to the model, if he continues to live the way he does, here's what Will will look like at age 55:



Pretty amazing huh?

Bill and Sue, July 8th 1997

Here at Meglo*Life, we have bulletin boards throughout the building for the employees to use. People can create ads for things for sale, carpooling, free stuff, etc. They get updated every 2 weeks or so.

The other day, I noticed one announcement where someone was looking for a lost men's wedding band, with the names and wedding date engraved on it. So I called the number up and a guy answered.

GUY: Hello?

ME: Hey there. I think I found your lost wedding band.

GUY: Really? That's great! I was afraid my wife was going to kill me... (chuckles a little)

ME: Sue?

GUY: What?

ME: Your wife, Sue?

GUY: Uh...

ME: Sue was going to kill you?

GUY: (silence)

ME: Anyway I have your ring. "Bill and Sue, July 8th, 1997"

GUY: My wife's not named Sue.

ME: Then why do you have "Sue" engraved on your wedding band?

GUY: It's obviously not my wedding band.

ME: Oh, geez. Sorry, I'm a little dense today. No wonder you sounded confused. I'm sorry.

GUY: That's alright. It's weird that some other guy also lost his ring.

ME: Yeah, and as coincidences go, this guy has the same anniversary as me. (laughing a little)

GUY: Oh wow, really? Isn't that something!

ME: And my wife's name is Sue, too!

GUY: Huh?

ME: What a minute, this is my ring! Good thing I didn't lose it like some kinda knucklehead. My wife would kill me.

GUY: You know, you're a real ass.

More fun here, here, here, or here.

My New Favorite Greeting

Maybe you can relate to this. Often in the halls of Meglo*Life, two passersby know each other and make some comment like, "Hi, how's it going?" or "Hey there, what's going on?" They really don't care what the other has to say, as long as it's no longer than "Good" or "Fine, Thanks. And you?" I know this is true because once I said, "Terrible, my leg fell off this morning when I was putting my pants on." All I got in response was, "Take it easy man."

Most of the time, both people just keep on walking anyway, so by the end of the exchange, they are 20 feet down the hall from each other, and facing the other way.

From now on, (within the scope of my relationship with the other person, of course) my canned response in these types of exchanges will be, "'Sup Bitch."

I'll let you know how it turns out.